#30daysofgore

Hey kids.

Just some more update things.

I've been doing a lot of special effects makeup stuff lately so that's fun. I've missed working with my hands. The only problem is that it's so expensive :ccc But anyway, enough of that. I'm teaching myself and watching YouTube videos, mostly. There are a lot of replications out there which makes it hard to try to be creative.. but I'm doing it anyway. It's a lot of fun. I wish I could do it as a job, honestly, but I think it would take a long time before that happens.

School is going okay, I guess. I mean, I'm probably failing my classes, but I don't really know. I don't really care anymore. This numbness inside me is just consuming everything. This apathy is awful. I can't write music anymore. I think I can do sfx because you don't have to be super inspired to do it; you can just take a picture of a wound and recreate it. It doesn't have to have a deeper meaning.

Anyway, that's kinda what's going on right now.

Check out my sfx photos on instagram @ sparksinsomniac

Updates

Hey guys.

I haven't been here in a while, and I'm sorry for that. The last time I posted on here was... what? 2013? Yeah, I'm not the same person that I was then.

I have a boyfriend now, and we've been dating since mid-April of 2014. His name is Alex and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. I've never been in a healthier relationship. We've been dating for about a year and a few months and we've never had a single fight. He's kind, he's understanding, and we're super silly with each other, which I think is what keeps things fun. Let's be honest, I'll probably end up marrying this guy. For those of you who watch Friends, he's my lobster. c:

I have three jobs on top of being a college student. I'm a hostess, I work in a lab for the university, and I'm a freelance photographer/artist. I'm also double-majoring in Psychology and Ag Science--it's a wonder I'm not busier. I live in a house with Alex and three other people: Katie, my bff; Linsa, who is probably my bff but with whom I've been having problems lately; and Trevor, who used to be just Alex's friend but who is now friends with everyone in our house. If that makes any sense. It's pretty great, minus Linsa problems. You'll probably hear more on that later but for now I'll let it lie. Also Katie is getting married and I'm her MOH so that's exciting.

Things have been a little hard lately. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been and my self-esteem is not very forgiving. I haven't cut or starved myself in a very long time and I'm pretty proud of that. Of course I want to cut a lot of the time, but nobody said it was going to be easy.

So yeah, that's my life right now. Hope everyone's doing well.

>Sparks

The Morning After

...a binge.

Let me preface this by saying that I've never actually had a full-on binge before. It was always just me eating a lot; I never felt like I couldn't stop.

I feel like shit. I feel tired, my stomach hurts, and I'm completely wracked with guilt. I had probably half a jar of peanut butter, three granola bars, a crap ton of popcorn, little mini cake things, chocolate, pretzels, a Golden Grahams s'mores bar... actually I think that's it. But fuck me man, that's a lot of food. That's so many calories. I was under 500 before I started and then BAM.

I'm terrified to weigh myself. I got down to a new LW yesterday and I know that if I weigh myself now it's gonna say I'm huuuuuuuge and I don't know if I can handle it. I'm also torn between fasting all fucking weekend and continuing my food spree. I have such a bad carb craving. I've never craved waffles and poptarts and pancakes and cinnamon rolls before. It's so strange. Why do I have such a twisted relationship with food? It's so fucking horrible.

I hate myself. I hatehatehate myself. I just want to die.

...that being said I'm not going to off myself or anything. I just.. idk. I want to stop existing.

I'm scared to go to lunch and dinner today... The dining halls are all-you-can-eat. What if I binge the fuck out of them? That would be so embarrassing, not to mention horrible! ohgodohgodohgod.

I'm gonna go shake and whine like a chihuahua now.

Jumping on the Band Wagon

12 August 2013

I stayed up until almost 4 in the morning skyping and texting the ex boy. It brought up a lot of feelings I really feel like I shouldn't have brought up. I feel awful and miserable. I'm so confused. I hate the fact that I still love him. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to get into a relationship right before I go to college on the 16^th. Besides, the reason I broke up with him in the first place was because of the long distance. Now that we're 5-6 hours apart instead of just 1 ½, I'd never see him. Ever. So there's no point. Besides, I'm probably going to go to college and find someone who's a much better fit for me, and who also makes me feel like I'm actually wanted and worth the fight. Someone who's more aggressive like me.

All that aside, I started restricting again. Seriously, consciously restricting. And by that I mean I tried. The only thing I've had to eat today was cookie dough at like 2. Which has a lot of calories, I know. And it sucks. But it's at least a start, right.

I don't have to justify myself to you.

Anyways. Now I'm having tea. I don't know what's for dinner. I'll only eat a little of it regardless. I'm sick of being fat, and now that I can't work out (my gym membership's gone since I'm going to college) I have to really work hard to keep my calories down. No more fat. Just skinny.

I've been chatting with Padfoot since yesterday. She's at full mental relapse and about half physical. And as much as it kills me on the inside because I know how much this sucks, I also know there's nothing I can do about it. It's between her and her therapist and her dietitian and her family and her disease. So c'est la vie. As bad as this sounds, I'm kind of a little relieved that I'm not the only one who couldn't recover.

I just hope I get legitimately skinny this time, like she did. She got down to 85 and she's only a little shorter than me. I don't think I ever even broke 130.

This time I'm going to get down to 120. Then 115. Then 110. Then 105. That's what I want right now. 105.

I'm going to be a weird fucking eating disorders counselor. I'll be studying to treat people who have them while I'm making mine worse.

Fuck me, man. Fuck me.

Cheers, kiddos.

>Sparks<

11 August 2013

11 August 2013

Recovery

(n.) The hardest part of an addiction.

Relapse

(v.) To slip back into the addiction.

(n.) The point in time when recovery fails.

(syn.) See “present-tense.”

Addiction

(syn.) See “hell.”

The demons that we find within ourselves are always the hardest to face. They are the most deeply embedded and the hardest to get rid of. We can't exorcise them by ourselves, but they won't let us call out for help. So we end up trapped in the hell of our minds, being devoured from the inside out by the evil spirit that has inhabited our fragile bodies. Such is the nature of possession.

People tell me all the time that Rome wasn't built in a day. That I have to keep working, keep trying. Keep going. Eventually I'll have the support, the infrastructure, the beauty and stability and magic. Just like Rome. But there's a slight problem with that analogy.

But eventually, Rome fell.

I've been in relapse for a while now. Mentally, I'm all the way back where I started. Physically it couldn't be farther than the truth. I don't know how much I weigh; probably somewhere between 145 and 150 pounds. I have so many overuse injuries I can't move without pain. But I can't find the will to restrict, either. So I end up just hating myself, wishing for a skinnier me to come and transform my body overnight. I hate myself because that can't happen.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

It was chiseled out of stone, out of earth, formed in the way it was wanted. Designed by the will of the beings who controlled it.

I will form myself, chisel myself down from stone until I'm the proper shape and size. Until there's nothing left. I will turn myself into a masterpiece.

I will be Rome.

And eventually, I will fall.

ROUND TWO

I WARNED YOU ALL. I AM THE WORST EVER AT UPDATING.

But I'm back now so it's okay. :)

This morning I weighed in at 141.0 (gag me) and I've been fasting all day, except for coffee. So my net right now is 82 because fuck you liquid  calories! And calcium.

So yeah. Today I've had:

3 cups coffee (7)

1 T + 2 tsp Half n half (33)

2 tsp Sugar in the Raw (30)

2 Antacid tablets (calcium supplement) (12)

And no exercise yet (though I might do yoga later)

Consumed: 82

Burned: 0

Net: 82

I might recalculate that later because I went to the store and walked/stood for like 15-30 minutes. BUT WE'LL SEE. Y'all know how picky I am.

How is everybody?

Life Without Scales...

ABSOLUTELY SUCKS.

Yeah so my parents stole their scale back (I stole it first lol whoops) so now I have no scale. I haven't weighed in for at least five days. I have no idea what I weigh.

....still hella fat, so obviously too much.

Whatever. I'm never gonna be skinny. Fact of life.

Also, I'm on Twitter now. Follow me at @SparksInsomniac and I'll follow back!

Ummm... Took a detox bath yesterday. I'm sore all over now. Is that normal?

Mergh. I should fast tomorrow... I like fasting.

That's all  folks.

How's everyone doing?