Okay so in lighter news...

I weigh 134.0 pounds.

That's a 6.6 pound loss from yesterday... To be honest I think it was probably mostly bloating and *cough* waste material *cough* that had yet to be expelled. Yesterday I almost fasted. I consumed a grand total of 1.5 cups of lowfat milk (iknowiknowiknow) (150), two pieces of gum (5), 16 oz. of coffee (5), and a Dove vanilla ice cream bar with dark chocolate (totally worth the 250). Along with about 6-9 glasses of water during the school day and literally two gallons of tea in the afternoon/evening... Seriously. I drink enough tea during the day to drown a goldfish. Usually I just make a big pitcher and add about 5 packets of sweetener to it. Zero cal sweet tea, hot or iced. Like a boss.

So yeah. Yesterday came with a grand total of 410 calories. I burned 100 doing a quick workout thing (the 40-30-20-10 workout) but stayed home from the gym to work on a scholarship... which is coming up soon.

Today I've had 1/2 cup of skim milk (45 since it's organic) and some espresso (not sure if that has a lot of cals or not since it was instant powder). For lunch I'll have 1 cup of lowfat milk (100) because it's the only kind my school offers. I could get chocolate skim, but that has 110. idk yet. I'm kinda craving chocolate lately.

I burned 100 this morning with the same workout. I also have gym class today, though I don't expect to burn more than 100 there since it's an introduction day and we take half the class to read through a packet... plus I don't know what sport we're doing now. I really want to go to the gym today. I seriously need to exercise. plus I fucking love it. <3

Okayokay. So scholarships.

I spent close to 2 hours making little paper cutout dudes for this Frame my Future scholarship. I drew out figures, glued them to Mat board, and then spent like another 4 hours cutting them out with an exacto knife. Then I photographed them, and it looked really cool.

Then, I spent 3 hours going round and round their website on like five different computers trying to find the entry form.... and I couldn't fucking find it.

So I had to email it in (like three minutes past the deadline), which they said not to do, that you have to use the entry form, that there are no exceptions, you can't wait until the last minute in case you have problems with our website, blah blah blah.

So basically I did all of that work for nothing. And it's not even my fault. Their website is totally fucked up.

So that's probably my shot at $1000 down the drain because of something that's totally not my fault.

/rage.

Sighsigh. Regardless of this STUPID FUCKING FUCKERY FUCKING THING OF MEGA FUCKED UP FUCKS I'm in a really good mood today. I've been bubbly all day.

OHH and my cylinder pot from ceramics made it into an art show. Which is UBER FUCKING HARD to get into! So I'm totally stoked! Like you have no idea. <3

Okay okay. Sparks has to go now.

Peace, love, and skinny, kids. Cheerio. ;)

> Sparks <

Failure

I weigh 140.6 pounds.

I am a fat, disgusting monster. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I'm sick in the head, sick in the body. Food is too much, and never enough.

I have liquid crazy sloshing around in my skull. I have the embodiment of good and evil on my shoulders, an angel and a devil, bickering back and forth, fighting, screaming at each other. I need to eat or else I'll die. I need to eat because food is necessary for life and function. I need to eat so I don't pass out at the wheel and crash and die. But I can't eat or else I'll get fat. If I eat, I'll gain weight. If I eat, I'll become an evil beat. I'll have to hurt myself. I'll have to do extra exercise.

How do I kill the demon inside of me without killing myself in the process? How do I extract the voice in my head without destroying my brain?

I'm posessed by a pathological beast that's clawing at the inside of my skull.

I can't stand the sounds anymore, nails on a chalkboard, constant shrieking.

I need it to stop.

I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sitting here watching other girls around me laugh and joke and eat their lunches. Skinny girls. Skinnier than me. Girls who don't work out, who are just tall, or have fast metabolisms.

And I hate them, every one of them.

Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck me.

Monsters

Hey everyone.

Yesterday went well. I had just shy of 400 cals intake wise. I didn't exercise at all, except walking around school, driving, etc... But frankly I kind of don't really care. :) I'm going to the gym today, and I have P.E. so it should be fine.

#LazyAnorexic

I weighed in this morning at 134.6 lbs. That's a loss of 2.6 pounds, which means 4.6 for the past two days. Woot! I was super stoked this morning, and then this voice came into my head saying that I'm still fat and I have such a long way to go. Which, as much as I hate to admit it, is kind of true. :/

This morning I had 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (2% milkfat since it's all we had--meh.) for 90, which has 12 grams of protein. 12 grams! God, I just love protein. And it burns a lot being digested and processed and stuff too, so that's good. :) I'm having more cottage cheese for lunch, and then water. I haven't decided what I want yet for dinner; maybe some cole slaw salad (20 per 1.5 cups) with fat-free dressing, and maybe some tuna. That sounds nice after a workout. :)

So, about the title of today's entry.

My friend Padfoot and I haven't talked for a while. She claims it's because she doesn't like to iMessage in class (WAYY easier than texting lol), but we don't really talk anyways. I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't want to talk, or she's not supposed to talk to me (because I could be a trigger?) or whatever. But I see her eating at lunch, which is really, really good. I wish I could tell her how proud I was of her, but I don't think you're supposed to do that, because that can be a trigger, too.

Anyways, we were texting a few weeks ago and I asked her if our one friend knows Ana. And she kinda went off on me. I told her that I was just worried, because our friend seemed to be getting thinner every time I hugged her, and I know she used to starve herself, and that she runs a lot. So then Padfoot said, "She's like a little sister to me. Ana fucked me over. I'll do everything I can to make sure Ana doesn't get to her."

Now, for me, this kind of draws some hard questions. Padfoot's always been like a little sister to me, too. Like, legitimately. I care about her so much, and it hurt so bad when I first found out in cross country that she was restricting and exercising. I hated knowing that she was hurting like that, and I hated knowing that it would all-too-easily eat her alive.

But still, I feel like I kind of encouraged her.

Yes, I went directly to the counselor and told her about it (to which she replied that she'd been keeping an eye on Padfoot for a while), but I still gave her diet tips. I told her what foods would fill her up, the best low-cal protein sources, tips that it was better to strength train than do all cardio. I wanted her to get the most nutrition out of her 1,000 cals a day, and I wanted her to be as healthy as possible. But I guess, in a way, I also dragged her into the Frostbitten world I knew so well. I was afraid of being alone, so I fueled her just enough to trigger myself in the process, so that we could both be cold together.

She got a lot skinnier than I did. She got down to 93.  I never broke 129.

She got a lot sicker than I did, too.

I know cognitively that no matter what I said I wouldn't be able to help her. No matter how many times that I warned her (and I did, frequently) that she'd never be skinny enough to satisfy the demon inside, that it would never be enough, that it was the worst way to live, that it was hell, that it physically hurt so badly, it would never do any good to her. She's the only one who could have controlled that little voice inside of her head. She's the only one who could have changed her mind.

but it's still hard to believe that I didn't try harder, I guess. I let Ana get to her. I let her hurt like that. I let my little sister get hurt.

Does that make me a monster?

Now That's Better

Before you ask, no, I haven't been to Wendy's recently.

Now that we've established that, good morning everyone! :)

So for the past few days I've been watching my weight creep up and up, until yesterday it hit 139.2.

I believe that the appropriate response to this is HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFGOD SPARKSWHATISWRONGWITHYOU.

Which was, of course, the response I had. :)

So yesterday I ate just under 700 calories, as opposed to the millions I've been eating lately. I worked out at the gym for an hour, which included burning 500 cals on the arc trainer (WAYYY more effective than the elliptical!!) and then doing a bunch of strength training. I also burned roughly 200 in gym class, playing floor hockey for 25 minutes.

So yesterday I ended with a tiny deficit, but it paid off.

This morning I weighed in at 137.2. It's still embarassing, but that's a loss of two pounds. Fuck yes!

So today I've had two egg whites, some tea, and half a cup of sugarfree jello. I'll hopefully work out after school, or church. If not, I'll go later at like 8, because the gym is open 24 hours.

Super stoked.

Stay beautiful, everyone.

Peace, Love, & Skinny

> Sparks <

Soooooo....

I'm officially the worst at updating in the history of ever.

Anyways. I've got some reflections I've been having lately.

I think I have a very odd eating disorder. You see my lovelies, it's like it comes and goes. Some days, if I eat even a piece of celery, I have a panic attack. Other days, like the last week or so, I just don't care what goes into my mouth.

It's so strange.

Am I just not sick enough? Is it really not an eating disorder, but rather a passing phase? It's confusing and frustrating, and, of course, doesn't yield results.

I weighed in yesterday at 134.8. It's not awful, all things considered, but it's worse than it was. :/

I have more reflections on my friend Padfoot, but I'll save those for later. Currently, she's in outpatient therapy, and she's doing her best to get better, because she realized that Ana fucked her over. I'm really proud of her.

Hermherm. gtg.

Cheers kids.

> Sparks <

Milk and Nanners

Hey y'all!

Sparks is in an awesome mood today. Wanna know why?

This morning, I weighed in at 129.2! Ladies and gentlemen, I have officially passed Goal Number One!

Let me tell you, it's such a great feeling. <3

Today is the yogurt and bananas day. I can have up to 8 cups of skim milk/nonfat yogurt, and up to 8 bananas. I know that sounds like a lot (like, 1600 cals a lot??) but once I work out it shouldn't be too bad. Plus, I only have 5 bananas. Unless I make a smoothie with frozen ones. Ooh, that sounds good. <3

I did cave and have two golden oreos, but I'll work out extra at the gym today. It'll be okay.

Hermherm. What else can I talk about.

Oh yeah. I'm doing an independent study for photography this semester. I had a 13-page paper all typed out, edited, everything. And then... WAHBAM. Ipad glitch. It happened a few times last semester too, when the whole document just kinda goes blank. So I lost everything.

So now I have to re-write it.. And I think it's due at the end of the hour.

Like, super overwhelmed and stressed and frustrated right now. I just don't even want to do it anymore. I'd rather fail the midterm than rewrite it.

Ugh.

Ummm.. Padfoot's doing okay. She's not freaking out like I expected her to, but she's still very stressed, etc. She basically went home from the doctor's and slept for the rest of the night or something.

So yeah. Stress over paper. Stress over friend.

Today's my sister's birthday.

Ummm.. what other scatterbrained stuff can I talk about?

A quick thanks to Skinny Bitch (god I feel so rude saying that D: ) for her comment. I love getting comments on my blog! Like, seriously. It just makes my day. :)

Uhh.. Yeah. I hope everyone has a fantastic day! :) Cheers kids!

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

A Week Later...

Good evening, everyone. :)

So, I know it's been a week since I last updated. A lot has happened. I'll go through bit by bit.

First, I binged like a mother fucker. Well, not really. But I ate a little more than a normal person, which to me is like a binge. Anyways. Then I actually purged on the third day (thursday? idk.) And then after that I had a peanut butter sandwich with chocolate chips, and hot cocoa. So it was counterproductive anyways.

Sunday I had a crap ton of candy, four donuts, some weird bacon-egg-cheese wrap thing.. etc.

Since Monday I've been on something that's basically the Cabbage Soup Diet, except you only eat the soup on the last day. So Monday was all fruits. Yesterday was all veggies. Today has been all fruits and veggies. Tomorrow will be bananas and yogurt/milk. Etc.

I haven't been diehard with this diet. Yesterday I had two mini chocolate bars and some puppy chow. Today I had a reese's cup. Monday and yesterday I had sugarfree jello (like 20 cals worth). But I also worked out Monday and yesterday, averaging 350-400 each day, with cardio and strength training. My mom and I joined planet fitness. So much better than Gold's.

So yeah. Monday I was.. idk. I think 134.something. I didn't weigh myself first thing. This morning I was 130.2. Fuck yeah. It's not as low as earlier, but I'm getting there.

I have a high school dance in a week and a half. Don't have a date yet. I was going to ask this girl I really like, who's my friend (yes kids, Sparks is bi) but then I chickened out because we both like each other, but I don't really want a relationship right now. Because I'm a basketcase, as y'all well know.

OKAY. So more important news.

One of my good friends at school, who we shall call... Padfoot. Because that's what she's on as my iMessage contact. lol. ANYWAYS.

So Padfoot has EDNOS, though I'm pretty sure it's a lot closer now to anorexia than anything else. She's got it pretty bad. She's.. idk. 5', 5'1"... maybe 5'2". Today (in the afternoon, probably plus food/water weight) she weighed in at 93.5 at the doctor's. She's down 3.5 pounds from her visit two weeks ago, even though she's been eating more.

So now she's going to outpatient treatment at the local hospital. I'm very worried about her, but I'm also relieved; she's so thin, and so sick, I think it'll be good for her. I just really, really hope that she gets that being skinny will never be enough, will never make her happy.

God, I'm such a fucking hypocrite.

So yeah. Super stressed, super worried. But I think she'll be okay. I hope she will, anyways.

Uhh.. I think that's it.

Yeah, that's it.

I'll keep you guys posted.

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <