Saturday, November 9, 2013

The Morning After

...a binge.

Let me preface this by saying that I've never actually had a full-on binge before. It was always just me eating a lot; I never felt like I couldn't stop.

I feel like shit. I feel tired, my stomach hurts, and I'm completely wracked with guilt. I had probably half a jar of peanut butter, three granola bars, a crap ton of popcorn, little mini cake things, chocolate, pretzels, a Golden Grahams s'mores bar... actually I think that's it. But fuck me man, that's a lot of food. That's so many calories. I was under 500 before I started and then BAM.

I'm terrified to weigh myself. I got down to a new LW yesterday and I know that if I weigh myself now it's gonna say I'm huuuuuuuge and I don't know if I can handle it. I'm also torn between fasting all fucking weekend and continuing my food spree. I have such a bad carb craving. I've never craved waffles and poptarts and pancakes and cinnamon rolls before. It's so strange. Why do I have such a twisted relationship with food? It's so fucking horrible.

I hate myself. I hatehatehate myself. I just want to die.

...that being said I'm not going to off myself or anything. I just.. idk. I want to stop existing.

I'm scared to go to lunch and dinner today... The dining halls are all-you-can-eat. What if I binge the fuck out of them? That would be so embarrassing, not to mention horrible! ohgodohgodohgod.

I'm gonna go shake and whine like a chihuahua now.