Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Good morning everyone.

Well, second-day binge, right on time, like clockwork. I had a lot of veggies, true. But I also had like two bananas. And chocolate chips. And a brownie (in a mug, so like 500 cals). And spaghetti. And garlic bread. And ranch dressing. And bread with butter and sugar and cinnamon.

I'm such a failure. :( I can't even look in the mirror today. I'm so bloated. My face is so fat.

Ughhhh negativeramblerumble.

Okay. So, failure aside, today's going to be better.

This morning I had coffee (5) with almondmilk (20) and sweetener. I really need to cut out the almond milk, I think. I also had 1/2 cup of fat-free greek yogurt (85) which includes 11g protein. For lunch I'm having an orange (70) and an egg white (17) with water. No oreos. I don't deserve oreos. :/ Not that I ever do, but... y'know.

I have P.E. today. We're playing volleyball. Which I absolutely suck at. But whatever.

I had a migraine on Friday. Still have a pounding headache from it. Like, it just won't go away. :( Ugh. It's too early for this.

I hope y'all are doing well.



Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dia Numero Dos

Heya kiddos. :) It's been a pretty good day so far.

Yesterday for lunch I had a tiny apple, an egg white, and 2 oreos. sue me biznitches. I went for a run when I got home. Then I had three more egg whites for protein. Dinner was two oranges, an english muffin, and a landslide of tea. I totaled just under 600 calories intake. Burned 505. Net was 82.

Today I've had an english muffin (120), two egg whites (34), an apple (55), oreos (100), tea, coffee with almondmilk (25), and two pieces of gum. The weather turned nasty and I hurt my knee (again) so I don't think I'll be running again today. I'll definitely do some yoga though, which I love.

My head is pounding. The ex boy is being persistant. Merfherders.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Start Again on Monday... again.

Well, kids, I think it's safe to say that I'm kind of a failure at life. :P

I didn't have 1/2 cup of soup. I had like.... ugh. No. I don't even want to talk about the weekend.

BUT! Before my awful weekend which no doubt ruined it, I hit 130.0, which was goal weight 1. It's probably back up now. idk. I'll weigh in tomorrow to see.

I feel like the only time I actually want to blog is when I'm doing well with my diet. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I just need to get my act together. *laughs*

Anyways. Today I've had coffee (5) with sweetener and 1/4 cup almond milk (10), a medium orange (70) and a hard-boiled egg white (17). That totals 101. For lunch I'm having a small (extra small? It's like 2 inches across..) apple (55) and another egg white (17). I'm not sure what's for dinner yet. I think maybe another orange. Or broth. I like both of them.

Hmmhmm. I have P.E. today. And a psych test that I haven't studied for. I should do that instead of blogging. GRAWR.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Rah Rah Rah!

Hey y'all. :)

I'm doing a lot better now. My cold is mostly gone, though I'm still coughing a bit.

I've done pretty well the past few days calorie wise, too.


Consumed: 487
Burned: 272
Net: 215


Consumed: 546
Burned: 104
Net: 442
 Damn scones. :P

Anyways. This morning I woke up and I could totally feel the fatigue hitting. Like, ohhh my goddddd. It's an awesome feeling, don't get me wrong. It's just a little weird when you're brushing your teeth and your arm feels like it's going to fall off. Or typing. That's a workout too. merrrrrr.

So, I think this is a good place to discuss something I've noticed as of late.

I don't know what it is, or why it is, but I don't completely hate my body.

Wait, what? An eating disorder freako doesn't hate her body?

Whoa. Yeah. Right?

Okay, I think I should highlight the "completely" in that statement. I still hate my stomach, my chest, my arms a bit, my lovehandles, and especially my inner thighs. Ugh. Those are disgusting.

But from the side, I actually kind of like my legs, especially in like shorts. I don't really have much of a butt to speak of, and I don't particularly like my skin or the fat that's there. But my legs aren't terrible. I actually got the good-legs genes in my family. Which is nice.

Does that mean I'm not completely and awfully and totally messed up?


Ahem. Anyways. That's my philosophical thought of the day. I'm going to pretend to do some actual work in class now.

Ohh yeahyeah. So today's my booster day, but I think I'll try to fast or fruit fast tomorrow. So anyways. Today I've had 3/4 cup of Special K Blueberry cereal (110) with 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk (20), and coffee (5) with another 1/2 cup of almond milk (20).

That brings my total to 155 so far. It's a lot higher than I like to have, but I'm having carrots (35) and possibly a granola bar (90) for lunch. Then I'm making soup for dinner, of which I'll have no more than 1/2 cup. That'll be about 200-300 (I think?), which will let me end below 700, which is my max goal. So it won't be bad. It still feels really high to me.

Maybe tomorrow I'll pump up the protein instead. Like, egg whites for lunch, tilapia or tuna for dinner. Protein is good. It builds muscle, which helps you burn calories in your sleep. <3

Oh, and I've also been doing yoga stretches lately that are supposed to make me taller. We'll see if they work. If they do, you'll be the first to know.

I'll update later to let y'all know how today goes.


Monday, January 21, 2013

Fight Like a Girl

Well, I've been pretty lazy about updating.

Not much has changed. I'm still sick, but at least I have my voice back. And it isn't strep throat, so that's good.

I've been watching what I eat, but not really restricting at all. Honey in the tea, lots of protein, etc.. I've found over time that if I restrict I just stay sick and miserable, but if I eat normally I get better faster. Which, although it ups my anxiety, is better than being sick. Ugh. I hate being sick.

Did some scholarship stuff today, dealt with my asshole of a brother, did some yoga... Not much to talk about.

Hmhmhm. I have to go to school tomorrow. :/ Fuck balls.

Anyways. Title of the post. I just ordered Emilie Autumn's "Fight Like a Girl" album online and I'm totally stoked. I can't wait to get it! Gah. Curses to the time it takes for mail to arrive. Anyways. I'm seeing her live in February, and I'm totally stoked. <3

Saw the ex boy yesterday. He dropped off a box of, like, everything I've ever given him. Going through it made me cry.


Anyways. I really only wanted my books back, and my friend's ring, so I think maybe I'll give everything else back to him since they were gifts that I wanted him to keep. Like that nice leather journal I gave him. That he didn't even write in. what. the. hell.



Anywhoo. Sicky's going to bed. Sicky has school tomorrow. fuck balls. Sicky has unfinished poetry BUT WHATEVER. She'll do itttttt eventually. hopefully. idrk.

Night night. <3

> Sparks <

Friday, January 18, 2013

Sickness on the Mind

So, wouldn't you know it? I'm really, honestly sick. I lost my voice yesterday, woke up today still without a voice, and with such a sore and swollen throat that I couldn't swallow. Now it feels like someone's dragging hot, rusty nails down my throat. And there are little whitish spots in the back. And I'm still coughing.

I think maybe it's Strep. I hope not. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Anywhoo. Today I've had a lot of cough drops and cough syrup and tea with honey and rum (hot totties). So I haven't even bothered to keep a total on my cals. I've also had yogurt, soup, etc.. Basically anything that doesn't kill my throat going down. I guess when you're sick you just don't really care.

In other news, I found this really awesome website! It's Dunno if I told you guys that or not. But the clothes are wholesale from China. They're mostly cheap, super cute, and the models are all really skinny so it's like bonus thinspo. So. Cute.

Okay. I don't have much else to say today. I don't think I'm getting back together with the ex. Also my cat is curled up next to me, she's very little and soft. Just thought y'all should know.

Take care, kiddos. Don't get sick.

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Different Gym Time?

Hey y'all. :) Hope everyone's doing okay.

I had a pretty good day. A bit of drama, etc. but otherwise nice. Relaxing, even. Well... sorta.

Okay, first things first. Today I had half a grapefruit (52), coffee (5) with almondmilk (20) and sweetener (0), two drink mixes (20), a Chewy bar (90), coke zero, chicken broth (10), toast (50), and tea with honey (40) and lemon juice (8) for my poor throat. Also for my poor throat was cough syrup (48) and cough drops (60).

That brings my totals to:

Consumed: 403
Burned: 247
Net: 156

It's not a deficit, but I'm okay with that. It's under 700, including cough stuff. Which, by the way, I've been coughing all day. I've actually lost my voice. Not the best, since the Talent Show at school is in a week and change. Ugh.

Anywhoo. Title of this blog.

So I did a bit of a test on the guys at Gold's today. I've been going there since December, but there was a newish girl at the front desk. Long story short, I wasted half an hour of my time to be treated like shit. Seriously, it was pretty much "join right now or get the fuck out." So I got the fuck out. I'm not going to spend forty bucks a month to be treated like I'm worthless just because I'm young. Planet Fitness, here I come. Hell, I'd rather run on pavement and tear my MCL again than go back to Gold's basically just to use the elliptical. Fuck them.

In other news, Sparks found the best website ever. :) It's

It's all wholesale from China. They have soooo many beautiful clothes, and most of it is super duper cheap! Plus all of the models are beautiful and super duper skinny, so it's like bonus thinspo. But really, they have awesome deals. Check it out!

Hmm.. Tomorrow's a late start. I'd rather have an early out, but c'est la vie.

Anyways. The Incubator of Infectious Disease is tired and needs to sleep. I'll talk to y'all later.

Also, a quick thanks to @Fat Piggy (god I feel rude calling you that D: ) for commenting! It's really nice to know I'm not just talking to myself. You're so sweet. :)

Good night, y'all.
Peace, Love, and Skinny. xx

> Sparks <

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Liquid Fast?

I was actually going to do a fruit fast today to try and up my intake a little bit, but still not feel guilty. I thought we had like pears and apples and grapes and all that stuff. Turns out we only have apples. Like, what?

So I'm doing a liquid fast instead. I had to have solids with my meds this morning (a Chewy granola bar, 90, because I was running late and didn't have time for anything else) and I'll have a little more tonight with my evening meds, but that'll probably be like half an apple or something. idk. I'm getting sick of apples.

Anywhoo. Today I've had coffee (5) with 1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almondmilk (20, a special treat) and sweetener (0). Plus that chocolate chunk Chewy bar (90) brings me up to 115. I also don't have any solids for lunch, so that'll be 0-20, depending on whether or not I use the drink mixes I brought. Haven't decided yet.

Still not sure what to do about the ex. I mean, what we had was special, but we were both like the "first love" for each other so of course it's going to be special. And we dated for almost two years. But at the same time, I kinda really like being single and I don't want to go through the whole long-distance thing again.


Kayyyy. I'll update later with my totals, etc. Dunno if I'll go to the gym or not. I'm feeling pretty awful, and we're out of cough syrup now, courtesy of moi.



Welllll, I failed as usual. What the fuck is wrong with me? I was fine, then I had to make cookies for small groups, and then WHAM suddenly half the dough was balanced on my spoon. The fuck?

Then I had half a quesadilla, a banana with Nutella, milk... I think that's it.

It wasn't a full-on Bulimic binge, because my daily totals I think are like 2000, estimating. Maybe 2500. But quantity-wise it wasn't that much food. I'm still kinda hungry, actually.


I'll fast tomorrow to try and counteract it. I've been slowly coming to terms with the idea that I may have Bulimia more than Anorexia now. I mean, I don't purge anymore because I hate it and it's uncomfortable and I always end up super puffy and I get these awful broken blood vessels all around my eyes. But, like, I'll binge, and then I'll restrict/fast and exercise til I drop, and then binge again. I think I just need to find the calorie mark that I can maintain and not want to binge. It used to be 700, but then I guess I always averaged more of 400.. Maybe that's why I'm binging.

Ugh, this whole ED thing is driving me nuts. I read blogs of veteran Anorectics who eat like 1000 cals a day, and I'm just over here like.. Dude, I'd die if I had 1000 cals. Like really. 30 cals seems like a crapload to me.

Maybe my view's just really really distorted. idk.

I can't wait to graduate and move out. I think this'll be easier when I'm in college, because the only time I'll have to worry about binging is at mealtimes.. And I think I can stave that off, because they're at set times and I can't stand having people watch me eat. I've decided that when I grow up and have my own place, I'm only going to have healthy foods there, like fruits, veggies, some brown rice, fish, etc. No chips or cookie dough or, god forbid, Nutella..

Anywhoo. Rant is over. I'm planning on fasting for at least tomorrow, and then for as long as I can. I still have to have solid foods to take my meds. I think that'll just be an apple that lasts me through the day. Like, half in the morning, half at night. blahblah.

Hrmmm. Still not sure what to do about the ex boy.

Thoughts thoughts thoughts.

Anyways. I'm tired and I haven't touched my homework because I've been too busy freaking out about my binge.


Okay kiddies. G'night.

> Sparks <

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Coke and Cough Syrup

Hey y'all. So guess what?

Sparks is sick.

I never used to get sick at all, ever. However, the past few years, every winter, I end up with like this chest cold/cough that's super duper obnoxious and doesn't go away for forever. So yeah, I got it again. It's really frustrating, because my chest and throat and everything hurts. And cough drops are like 15 cals a piece, and they don't do shit for me since my mom buys the crappy off-brand ones. So, off-brand cough syrup instead. I don't know how many calories are in it. I don't really care right now. sighsigh. Anywhoo.

So today's been a pretty good day so far. I had half a grapefruit and coffee for breakfast, for lunch I had pickles and an apple, and water all day. Since I got home I've had water and Coke Zero. And I weighed myself. 132 flat! Which is really exciting. I'm down 3.5 pounds since last week. :) Gooooo me.

I didn't go to the gym today because once I got home I was like 'screw this, I'm staying here where it's warm' and so I just stayed home. But we played basketball in P.E. and I did some pilates when I got home, so it's not all bad. Anywayyyysssss.

Update to come later with the totals. :)


Okay. So after I got home, I had some broth and a piece of toast for dinner, and then some orange creme ice cream/sherbert because I felt like it. Hot damn, was it good. :)

Anywayyyysss. So totals.

Consumed: 314
Burned: 346
Net: -32


So the ex wants to get back together. A bit of background there. So we started dating when I was a sophomore and he was a senior, then stayed together when he went to college, all through junior year, then over the summer. I finally broke it off in September because the long-distance was killing me. Like seriously. I'd see him maaaaybe three times a month, usually just one or two, if at all. For like a collective 14 hours. Then he'd be gone again. It was awful. I wasted so much time just waiting around for him, and I got tired of it. And frankly, I need someone who's a lot more high-energy, and who's going to scream and fight and play with me and be more passionate. I need someone who I feel like actually tries.

Anywhoo. I kinda really like being single. Plus, I've got college coming up, and I know that the ex is really iffy with the whole weight loss thing. So I'm not going to date anyone who wants to hold me back from that.

rahrahrah. My life is so dramatic at times. lalala.

Okies, cheerio kiddos!

> Sparks <

Monday, January 14, 2013

X, Y, Z...

Wheeeeeeelllp. That was a good day, in theory. Too bad this is reality.

I was actually doing pretty well today. 262 consumed, not my favorite number, but easily salvaged by a bowl of broth and maybe some bread.

Buuuuuut then my father brought home chinese takeout.

Now, let me tell you something about chinese takeout. It isn't food. It's stir-fried calories and lard. It doesn't digest and give you energy. It sits in your belly and crawls through your intestines and rots. The end.

So, I told my father that I'd just have some soup since I was feeling sick. An easy 10-calorie fake-out, right?

So then my ex tells me that a few days ago when he asked what was up, and I told him I was blogging, he went and searched and found this blog.


what. the. fuck. am i. supposed. to do. with. that.

I mean, obviously I can't just shrug it off and lie. He obviously knows. Maybe I should just delete this blog and start fresh. idk. I don't have any followers here anyways.


So, he brings it up, and with that mixed with my mom intercepting an e-mail that pretty much means she's going to get fired in two weeks from the job she worked her ass off getting, I got really fucking emotional. And I ate.

And ate.

And ate.

Rangoon and lo mein and deep fried sweet and sour pork and steamed dumplings and shit shit shit. like fuck. I'm a fucking vegetarian. I don't fucking eat pork or dumplings. fuck.

So now I'm sitting here. It's been like two, three hours, and I already feel bloated and greasy as fuck. Like, really? The fuck is this?

fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuucccckkkkk.


So yeah. Not sure what to do about the ex. Maybe I should just ignore him until he butts out. idk. He's depressed right now, so that would be a cruel thing to do, especially since he was there for me for almost two years and didn't run off when I was depressed.


Maybe I shouldn't even post about this. The only person aside from me who's read this is.. heh. Him. Greeeeeat.

Dis shit cray.

I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe I'll fast. I haven't decided yet.

Still no cutting, and no purging. Score one and two for Sparkies.

Cheers kids.

> Sparks <

Now, That's More Like It

Okay, so yesterday didn't go as planned, but it still went pretty well.

I went to church (I'm not actually religious, but if I don't go then I'm grounded from everything for forever) and had coffee with Splenda and a yoplait light for breakfast. Then I was cool until it was time to go skiing at 2, at which point I had a chocolate chunk granola bar (90) and more coffee. Midway through our skiing trip I was freezing so my friend and I went back inside to warm up, at which point I spent $2.25 (the FUCK?) on a cup of coffee that way WAAAAYYY too hot to drink, and I had another granola bar. After skiing for another hour my coffee was cool enough to touch. Like, hot damn.

Anyways. So it was a ton of fun yesterday. :) I wiped out twice, the first because I was getting used to it (since I hadn't been skiing in like six years) and the second because it was actually mostly ice, rather than snow, but then I hit this drift that I didn't see and did like five somersaults. So now I'm all bruised down my side and butt and back. But whatevs.

Ooooohhh. And there were these really hot guys there. Like, snowboarders, with dirty sandy blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes and this really sexy voice. Like. Hot. Fuckin. Damn. SOOOO HOT.


So I skied for like.. idk. three and a half hours, once I factor out breaks and lift time and a half hour for my safety net.

Then I went home and had a cup of tea, some chicken broth (10) and a Hershey's kiss and went to bed.

So yesterday.

Consumed: 316
Burned: 994
Net: -678

Fuck, I'm good.

So I'll post later for today's entry. Love you all! ~ <3

Peace, Love, Skinny.

> Sparks <

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Crash, Bang, Boom

Hello my lovelies.

Weeeeeeelllll. Here's a cheers to the fatal flaws of human kind.

So I was supposed to fast today, or maybe do a liquid diet. Three guesses how that went.

So let's just preface this with the statement that I'm a sucker for Nutella, and that I have the willpower of a carrot.

So I had bread, toast, Nutella, peanut butter, Nutella, popsicle, hot chocolate, Nutella, salad for dinner, with cheese, and with croutons, Nutella, tortilla and cheese, Nutella, bowl of grits with brown sugar, Nutella, coffee with half n' half, Nutella...

And then, guess what?

My brother's just like, "Hey, Sparks, we're having a surprise party for my girlfriend tonight. Wanna come?"

And since I'm trying to be more outgoing (and the party was fun, actually) I agreed.

So I had two pretty good sized pieces of cake, and two cupcakes, and popcorn, and a ton of veggies with ranch dip, and fruit, and two diet pops, and some Triscuits.

So yeah. I'm not even going to try and figure out my calorie count for the day. It's probably some handful of thousands.

Ugh. It's so frustrating. Today I woke up and I could see my ribs and hip bones a lot better, and even my waist looked smaller, and my tummy was pretty flat. Now it's all bloated and distended and looks like a tub of lard. And I feel like shit. Ugh. :/

Whatever. It'll set me back from my GW, but it's not going to keep me from reaching it. I'm going to fast tomorrow (forreals this time) because it's a lot easier for me to fast on a Sunday for some reason. I'm also going skiing tomorrow for like 5 hours so that should burn a crap ton of calories.

So yeah, all those deficits pretty much went for nothing. C'est la vie. I'll do better tomorrow.

I hope everyone else stays strong, and I hope I get better.

Peace, Love, & Strength. xx

> Sparks <

Friday, January 11, 2013

The Third Day

Hey, y'all. :)

Today's been an okay day so far. I got up and had a legit breakfast since I didn't want to pass out while driving, but then I ended up not driving anyways! Ugh. Stupid big brothers, needing the car.

Anyways. I'll be updating this post a few times, since it's only 9:30.

So far:

1 slice whole-wheat toast (btw, the bread I use is 50 cals/slice)
2 tbsp PB2
1 piece sugar free gum

So that leaves me at 100, even.

I can burn that off tonight in 150 crunches. Or in gym class. idrk. Guess we'll find out. :)


It's now 2:00 p.m.

So far:

1 slice whole-wheat toast
2 tbsp PB2
2 pieces sugar free gum
1 red bartlett pear

And we played basketball again in gym, which will continue for the next few weeks.

Consumed: 205
Burned: 213
Net: -8

How the heck do I keep having these deficits? I feel like I'm eating so much more than I'm burning, and I'm purposely underestimating the time I exercise. Like, I'm putting in half the minutes I actually go.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.


Final update:

Today I've eaten:

1 slice whole wheat toast
2 tbsp PB2
2 pieces sugarfree gum
1 red bartlett pear
1 bottle diet pepsi
1.5 cups iceberg salad
2 tbsp lite italian dressing
2 inches P'sghetti's bread
1 Hershey kiss, milk chocolate
1 tbsp Nutella

Consumed: 602
Burned: 656
Net: -54

Another deficit, even with the junk.

Not only did I have gym class today, but I also worked out at the gym when I got home--and burned 400 Calories. I could've done more (and would've liked to) but my Dad was my ride and he finished sooner than I wanted. C'est la vie. Eventually I'll get my own membership, and then I'll be able to work out on my own for as long as I want.

It's strange. Usually I only get upset about my calorie counts if it goes above a certain number--like 700, depending on the day. But today, when I logged my exercise into my calorie app (MyFitnessPal) and saw that I had like a 400 calorie deficit, I was super stoked. But then when I had to log my dinner and that deficit shrank, I felt so ashamed of myself. It's super weird. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed that I could ever even get a deficit, let alone have one for 3 days in a row. I mean, today's was more than yesterday's right? I need to explore these feelings.

I plan on fasting tomorrow, or doing a liquid diet for the day. I'll allow myself one cup of milk because I need the protein. Aside from that, though, it'll be coffee, tea, and water, with allowed sweeteners. Maybe broth for dinner if I can pass off being sick again.

And I'll work out until I'm dizzy.

It's so strange. I should be super light headed and everything, like I usually am after restricting this much. But instead I feel alive and electric, and I'm not even hungry. It's such a great feeling. :)

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <

Peace, Love, & Skinny

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Second Day

Hey everyone.

How are y'all doing? I hope well. I'm pretty sure nobody actually reads these, which is both good and bad. Good because I can be completely honest and not be judged, but bad because I recieve no feedback, questions, encouragement, etc. Oh well. C'est la vie.


Instead of paying attention to reviewing density in Geology class (since I already know about it), I'll do the first part of my daily report, to be updated later at the end of the day.

I got surprised this morning with a new case for my iPad (which is school-issued, fyi) so I'm able to type and look/listen to other things at the same time. It's very nice to have.

Did you know that the Earth is fatter at the equator than it is at the poles? It's called oblate sphericity. Just in case you were wondering.

I'm pleased to announce that so far, today's been a good day. I've eaten:

1/2 grapefruit
1/2 slice of whole wheat bread
1/2 slice of American cheese
2 icky-tasting pickle slices

So far:
Consumed: 103
Burned: 43
Net: 60

Not my favorite set of numbers ever, but I can live with it. I'm also making dinner, which has meat in it, which I don't eat, so I'll be able to hopefully just have some broth or something.

Let's hope I stay strong tonight. The second evening is normally when I binge. Maybe I'll see if I can get to the gym instead.


Lookie there, I was strong for once. :) I even passed it off with my family by telling them I wasn't feeling well. Thank god it's flu season!


1/2 grapefruit
1/2 slice whole-wheat bread
1/2 slice of American cheese
2 icky-tasting pickle slices (no joke, they were disgusting)
2 pieces of sugar-free gum
1 1/2 slices of whole-wheat bread
chicken broth
1 Hershey's kiss, special dark, to fend off cravings

Consumed: 221
Burned: 230
Net: -9

another deficit ftw.

I also had like a teaspoon of from-scratch hot chocolate (since I was making it for my mother and had to make sure it was good), but I've decided not to count that in my total. With all the walking around I do during the day and the calories I burned fidgeting and gum-chewing it'll be fine.

I know, I know. I'm a lazy anorectic. Sue me. :P

> Sparks <

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Life Starts Now

Today marks the day when my journey really, truly begins. I have to admit, I'm pretty stoked.

Today I've eaten:

1/2 grapefruit
1/4 apple
1 pickle
2 sticks gum
onion soup
2 Hershey's kisses

Intake: 202
Burned: 277
Net: -75

Deficit ftw.

I'm going to bed earlyish to see if I feel better tomorrow. Usually the second day of a diet I binge in the evening (that's what happened last night too), so I hope to stay as strong as possible for tomorrow.

The Bluetooth stopped working on my iPad case, so I have to get a new one because this one is useless. Until then I'm just typing on the touch screen. It's kinda challenging, actually.

Ehh, I think that's about it.


> Sparks <

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

An Introduction

Hey, everybody.

I'd like to take a chance to introduce myself.

I'm Sparks. I'm seventeen years old. I'm a senior in high school. I love photography and drawing and sculpture. My favorite color is orange, and I love dreamcatchers and clothing design.

Oh, yeah. And I have an eating disorder.

I guess in a way that's what this blog is about. My trials and progress, my successes and failures, my joys and my sorrows.

First, though, let's just get over the basics.

I've had an eating disorder since the sixth grade, or 2006. That would have made me eleven, if my math is correct.

My eating disorder (which I've nicknamed Rex) actually started as a way to self-injure without leaving scars, since the pains of hunger were far more intense and lasting than a pinch or slice of flesh. Of course, since I was also one of the most bullied girls in school, and because the Boob Fairy whacked me wicked hard, and because everybody else noticed, that self-injury rapidly developed into self-loathing, and eventually a desire for self-annihalation. I began to starve myself to disappear, hopped on the bandwagon, and slid promptly into my own personal realm of hell. The punishment took a wrong turn into Wanarexia, then into EDNOS, and then into Anorexia Nervosa.

You know that magical dangerzone that hovers between 65-70 pounds, where the slightest bit of exertion makes your vision go black and fuzzy, and you feel like you're living in a dream? Yeah, I've been there. Granted, I was much shorter at the time than I am now, but still. I could count every rib on my back without bending over. My cat liked to nestle and sleep in the hollow beneath my ribs where my stomach had once been. I could lay down on the softest mattress and still I writhed at the pain and pressure against my protruding bones.

My dear friend told me that I had to stop before I died. I relaxed my regime, but it still clung to me. I ate only the healthiest of foods when I ate at all. I played as many sports as possible.

When I was fourteen, my best friend Abbie killed herself over a slice of pizza and half of a brownie. She ate two bottles of painkillers and one bottle of sleeping pills. Then she slit her wrists. When none of them worked fast enough, she put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.

The shock made Rex curl up into a ball in the dark rear caverns of my mind, go to sleep, and leave me alone.

She woke again six months ago.

Although I did my best to fight her off, Rex was a bit too powerful for me, and has since inhabited half of my mind. It is her wish to take me over, to seep into every fiber of my pitiful being. She wants to take my 135 pound, 5'4" tall body and whittle it away into ash and nothingness.

I've decided to let her.

I still screw up a lot. I still give into temptation. But every day I get stronger, and so does she.

This blog will keep track of my sin and my sacrifice. It will be as accurate of a journal as I can make it. I'll talk about food, and calories, and feelings. I'll talk about self-harm. I'll talk about whatever I feel like talking about.

This might be triggering to some individuals. Proceed with caution.

Welcome to the first ring of hell. Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times.

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <