Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Hey y'all.

I really need to get back on track with this whole updating thing.

So I yoyoed (lol, new weight loss verb?) for a while and then said to hell with this and stopped trying to restrict, but kept watching what I ate. I've got my weight pretty stable right now at about 134-135. Then I'm going to start gently incorporating in working out, starting with burning like 300-400 calories and slowly working up.

When I restrict, I really restrict, and I really work out. So I wind up with deficits. Which, frankly, is not good for Sparkies. It makes me binge within a few days, and then my weight skyrockets, and. yeah.

No good.

So now I'm trying to do it a bit smarter, at a pace I can keep up. The only problem is that I need to lose, like, 15 pounds by the end of April.

Hermherm. fmls.

I turn 18 in a week. It's hard to get my head around. I'm going to get a tattoo between then and the end of April, theoretically.

Umm. Yeah. That's todays' update.

Love you all.  Be good.

> Sparks <

Ugh. Seriously?

138.4.

What the fuck, Sparks?

I didn't work out yesterday, and instead ate a lot. Mergh.

I'm really tired today. I have a psych presentation last hour. Then I have to go home and write my 10-page paper. Both are on Anorexia.

I don't really have much else to say. Still don't feel very good. I have a pounding headache.

....I think I'll sleep until the bell rings.

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <

I AM

...the worst at updating in the history of ever.

/shot.

Okayokayokay.

Soooo lately I've done some yoyoing. I went from 131.8 to 137.8. Blahblah. Found out I'm on my period so that explains a lot of the uncontrollable emotions and the eating of the everything in sight.

ihavethewillpowerofacarrot.

Yesterday wasn't awful. I was really good, with like 170 total. Then I got home and made a cake for my friend, at which point I ate a bunch of scraps and a bunch of buttercream. Totally worth it. OTL failure, Sparks, failure!

Anyways. So then I went to the gym for like a couple hours. I burned over 1000 cals on the arc trainer, and then did a bunch of strength training. So I feel like I did okay. Not great, because I was weak. But beter than I could have been.

This morning I weighed in at 134.4. Fuck yeah, losing.

I feel more determined lately than I have the past few days. It's just a matter now of finding time to work out. I think we're doing kickball in gym now so that doesn't burn any calories, really.. I just stand around the whole time. And then I'm going to have a shit ton of homework for the next, like, two days. I have a presentation tomorrow in Psych (that I haven't started) and a 10-page research paper due on Friday (that I also haven't started), as well as an English quiz which is basically 100 questions of the most nitpicky stuff ever.

So yeah. busybusybusy.

But it'll be okay. Even if I only work out for like half an hour.

....lol. Who am I kidding? Now if I don't burn at least 1,000 calories, I feel like a slacker.

Oh well. C'est la vie. It isn't gonna be easy, but it'll definitely be worth it.

I hope everybody's doing okay.

Peace, love, and skinny. <3

> Sparks <

Sick. :/

Yeah, you read that right. I'm sick. :( It sucks. I've been having basically hot flashes and shake fits all the time. My skin's all red and itchy. I think it's an allergic reaction or something.

Yesterday I had an intake of 150. Fuck to the yeah. :)

Today I weighed in at 132.4. Fuck to the fucking yeah.

So far I've lost a total of 8.2 pounds since my starting/highest weight of 140.6. And only in a few days! How exciting is that?

Ummmm... I got the scholarhsip figured out. Apparently they had technical difficulties and so they accepted it by email. it's really great news. :D

So yeah. I'm home sick today. I've had a cup of yogurt (200--ick) and some tea. I don't know about exercising. I feel like shit.

So yeah. I hope everyone has a good day today. :)

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <

Okay so in lighter news...

I weigh 134.0 pounds.

That's a 6.6 pound loss from yesterday... To be honest I think it was probably mostly bloating and *cough* waste material *cough* that had yet to be expelled. Yesterday I almost fasted. I consumed a grand total of 1.5 cups of lowfat milk (iknowiknowiknow) (150), two pieces of gum (5), 16 oz. of coffee (5), and a Dove vanilla ice cream bar with dark chocolate (totally worth the 250). Along with about 6-9 glasses of water during the school day and literally two gallons of tea in the afternoon/evening... Seriously. I drink enough tea during the day to drown a goldfish. Usually I just make a big pitcher and add about 5 packets of sweetener to it. Zero cal sweet tea, hot or iced. Like a boss.

So yeah. Yesterday came with a grand total of 410 calories. I burned 100 doing a quick workout thing (the 40-30-20-10 workout) but stayed home from the gym to work on a scholarship... which is coming up soon.

Today I've had 1/2 cup of skim milk (45 since it's organic) and some espresso (not sure if that has a lot of cals or not since it was instant powder). For lunch I'll have 1 cup of lowfat milk (100) because it's the only kind my school offers. I could get chocolate skim, but that has 110. idk yet. I'm kinda craving chocolate lately.

I burned 100 this morning with the same workout. I also have gym class today, though I don't expect to burn more than 100 there since it's an introduction day and we take half the class to read through a packet... plus I don't know what sport we're doing now. I really want to go to the gym today. I seriously need to exercise. plus I fucking love it. <3

Okayokay. So scholarships.

I spent close to 2 hours making little paper cutout dudes for this Frame my Future scholarship. I drew out figures, glued them to Mat board, and then spent like another 4 hours cutting them out with an exacto knife. Then I photographed them, and it looked really cool.

Then, I spent 3 hours going round and round their website on like five different computers trying to find the entry form.... and I couldn't fucking find it.

So I had to email it in (like three minutes past the deadline), which they said not to do, that you have to use the entry form, that there are no exceptions, you can't wait until the last minute in case you have problems with our website, blah blah blah.

So basically I did all of that work for nothing. And it's not even my fault. Their website is totally fucked up.

So that's probably my shot at $1000 down the drain because of something that's totally not my fault.

/rage.

Sighsigh. Regardless of this STUPID FUCKING FUCKERY FUCKING THING OF MEGA FUCKED UP FUCKS I'm in a really good mood today. I've been bubbly all day.

OHH and my cylinder pot from ceramics made it into an art show. Which is UBER FUCKING HARD to get into! So I'm totally stoked! Like you have no idea. <3

Okay okay. Sparks has to go now.

Peace, love, and skinny, kids. Cheerio. ;)

> Sparks <

Failure

I weigh 140.6 pounds.

I am a fat, disgusting monster. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I'm sick in the head, sick in the body. Food is too much, and never enough.

I have liquid crazy sloshing around in my skull. I have the embodiment of good and evil on my shoulders, an angel and a devil, bickering back and forth, fighting, screaming at each other. I need to eat or else I'll die. I need to eat because food is necessary for life and function. I need to eat so I don't pass out at the wheel and crash and die. But I can't eat or else I'll get fat. If I eat, I'll gain weight. If I eat, I'll become an evil beat. I'll have to hurt myself. I'll have to do extra exercise.

How do I kill the demon inside of me without killing myself in the process? How do I extract the voice in my head without destroying my brain?

I'm posessed by a pathological beast that's clawing at the inside of my skull.

I can't stand the sounds anymore, nails on a chalkboard, constant shrieking.

I need it to stop.

I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sitting here watching other girls around me laugh and joke and eat their lunches. Skinny girls. Skinnier than me. Girls who don't work out, who are just tall, or have fast metabolisms.

And I hate them, every one of them.

Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck me.