Saturday, November 9, 2013

The Morning After

...a binge.

Let me preface this by saying that I've never actually had a full-on binge before. It was always just me eating a lot; I never felt like I couldn't stop.

I feel like shit. I feel tired, my stomach hurts, and I'm completely wracked with guilt. I had probably half a jar of peanut butter, three granola bars, a crap ton of popcorn, little mini cake things, chocolate, pretzels, a Golden Grahams s'mores bar... actually I think that's it. But fuck me man, that's a lot of food. That's so many calories. I was under 500 before I started and then BAM.

I'm terrified to weigh myself. I got down to a new LW yesterday and I know that if I weigh myself now it's gonna say I'm huuuuuuuge and I don't know if I can handle it. I'm also torn between fasting all fucking weekend and continuing my food spree. I have such a bad carb craving. I've never craved waffles and poptarts and pancakes and cinnamon rolls before. It's so strange. Why do I have such a twisted relationship with food? It's so fucking horrible.

I hate myself. I hatehatehate myself. I just want to die.

...that being said I'm not going to off myself or anything. I just.. idk. I want to stop existing.

I'm scared to go to lunch and dinner today... The dining halls are all-you-can-eat. What if I binge the fuck out of them? That would be so embarrassing, not to mention horrible! ohgodohgodohgod.

I'm gonna go shake and whine like a chihuahua now.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Jumping on the Band Wagon

12 August 2013

I stayed up until almost 4 in the morning skyping and texting the ex boy. It brought up a lot of feelings I really feel like I shouldn't have brought up. I feel awful and miserable. I'm so confused. I hate the fact that I still love him. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to get into a relationship right before I go to college on the 16th. Besides, the reason I broke up with him in the first place was because of the long distance. Now that we're 5-6 hours apart instead of just 1 ½, I'd never see him. Ever. So there's no point. Besides, I'm probably going to go to college and find someone who's a much better fit for me, and who also makes me feel like I'm actually wanted and worth the fight. Someone who's more aggressive like me.

All that aside, I started restricting again. Seriously, consciously restricting. And by that I mean I tried. The only thing I've had to eat today was cookie dough at like 2. Which has a lot of calories, I know. And it sucks. But it's at least a start, right.

I don't have to justify myself to you.

Anyways. Now I'm having tea. I don't know what's for dinner. I'll only eat a little of it regardless. I'm sick of being fat, and now that I can't work out (my gym membership's gone since I'm going to college) I have to really work hard to keep my calories down. No more fat. Just skinny.

I've been chatting with Padfoot since yesterday. She's at full mental relapse and about half physical. And as much as it kills me on the inside because I know how much this sucks, I also know there's nothing I can do about it. It's between her and her therapist and her dietitian and her family and her disease. So c'est la vie. As bad as this sounds, I'm kind of a little relieved that I'm not the only one who couldn't recover.

I just hope I get legitimately skinny this time, like she did. She got down to 85 and she's only a little shorter than me. I don't think I ever even broke 130.

This time I'm going to get down to 120. Then 115. Then 110. Then 105. That's what I want right now. 105.

I'm going to be a weird fucking eating disorders counselor. I'll be studying to treat people who have them while I'm making mine worse.

Fuck me, man. Fuck me.

Cheers, kiddos.


11 August 2013

11 August 2013

(n.) The hardest part of an addiction.

(v.) To slip back into the addiction.
(n.) The point in time when recovery fails.
(syn.) See “present-tense.”

(syn.) See “hell.”

The demons that we find within ourselves are always the hardest to face. They are the most deeply embedded and the hardest to get rid of. We can't exorcise them by ourselves, but they won't let us call out for help. So we end up trapped in the hell of our minds, being devoured from the inside out by the evil spirit that has inhabited our fragile bodies. Such is the nature of possession.

People tell me all the time that Rome wasn't built in a day. That I have to keep working, keep trying. Keep going. Eventually I'll have the support, the infrastructure, the beauty and stability and magic. Just like Rome. But there's a slight problem with that analogy.

But eventually, Rome fell.

I've been in relapse for a while now. Mentally, I'm all the way back where I started. Physically it couldn't be farther than the truth. I don't know how much I weigh; probably somewhere between 145 and 150 pounds. I have so many overuse injuries I can't move without pain. But I can't find the will to restrict, either. So I end up just hating myself, wishing for a skinnier me to come and transform my body overnight. I hate myself because that can't happen.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

It was chiseled out of stone, out of earth, formed in the way it was wanted. Designed by the will of the beings who controlled it.

I will form myself, chisel myself down from stone until I'm the proper shape and size. Until there's nothing left. I will turn myself into a masterpiece.

I will be Rome.

And eventually, I will fall.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013



But I'm back now so it's okay. :)

This morning I weighed in at 141.0 (gag me) and I've been fasting all day, except for coffee. So my net right now is 82 because fuck you liquid  calories! And calcium.

So yeah. Today I've had:

3 cups coffee (7)
1 T + 2 tsp Half n half (33)
2 tsp Sugar in the Raw (30)
2 Antacid tablets (calcium supplement) (12)

And no exercise yet (though I might do yoga later)

Consumed: 82
Burned: 0
Net: 82

I might recalculate that later because I went to the store and walked/stood for like 15-30 minutes. BUT WE'LL SEE. Y'all know how picky I am.

How is everybody?

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Life Without Scales...


Yeah so my parents stole their scale back (I stole it first lol whoops) so now I have no scale. I haven't weighed in for at least five days. I have no idea what I weigh.

....still hella fat, so obviously too much.

Whatever. I'm never gonna be skinny. Fact of life.

Also, I'm on Twitter now. Follow me at @SparksInsomniac and I'll follow back!

Ummm... Took a detox bath yesterday. I'm sore all over now. Is that normal?

Mergh. I should fast tomorrow... I like fasting.

That's all  folks.

How's everyone doing?

Thursday, April 18, 2013


I'm in a scholarship contest and I need votes! I can get a $1,000 scholarship, I just need votes! So if you like it, please vote, share this on your blogs, etc. Thanks!

You can find my piece here:

I got picked to be one of 24 finalists, out of the 9,200 that entered. This really means a lot to me.

Peace, Love, & Skinny


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Wokka wokka

136.8 today.

I've been bad today. Had oatmeal for breakfast with sugar and almonds and milk. Had two slices of pizza for lunch. ;; No bueno.

BUT. I have no homework due tomorrow. So today I'll be spending at least two hours at the gym. I like this plan. This is a good plan.

I seriously doubt I'll be skinny by prom. I'm going to be ugly. Ugh. Maybe I'll wear my dress from Sophomore year instead. It's much more prom-y anyways.

ALSO. I'm now on Twitter. First account ever, still figuring it out. xD I'm @SparksInsomniac so come say hi and I'll follow you!

Uhh.. I think that's it.

And I got the best idea ever for my tattoo. Just fyi. But it's a surprise so can't tell! :)

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

Monday, April 15, 2013


136.2 this morning. Not outstanding. But hey, loss is loss. I'll take what I can get.

Today I've had... idk. 130? ish? calories. Less than 200. It's been a good day, for the most part. I'm leaving for a doctor's appointment in five minutes. Outta school early ftw. I'm not worried about weighing in. I weigh more than I usually do. So meh.

Sad panda.

Sparks needs to get skinny before prom. hmmhmm. That way she can look better in her dress. Because now it's chunky monkey.

My stomach feels empty today, which is good. It's kinda prickly burning. Not aching, but burning.

Also. The frostbite's back on my fingertips. <3

Now, let me explain that. I don't actually have frostbite on my fingers. I've never had frostbite. But whenever I'm being good, my fingers get really cold and my nails turn blue, and then eventually my fingertips turn blue too. And they're freezing all the time. So I know I'm eating well if I have "frostbite" on my fingertips.

Inspiration for blog title? You guys catch on so fast. ;)

Hmmmm. Yeah. So I went on a high-ropes course yesterday with my youth group. I'd be a good ninja, after I practiced some more. I was freaking out inside but got used to it after a while. Being forty feet in the air isn't all that normal, though.

So yeah. And then I've spent the last few days cleaning my room like a crazy person because we're having the house appraised today. Hmmhmm. Hope it doesn't look too awful~~~

Sparks has to go now. Toodles!

Peace, Love, & Skinny. <3

> Sparks <

Thursday, April 11, 2013

You win, Rex. You win.

138.4 this morning.

Sexy Rexy is back.

Now, I know that this is a horrible, horrible number. Five more pounds up and I'd be overweight. I've gained in the last two days. But then again, I haven't been trying.

I woke up this morning and Rex was back in my skull. As much as I love the idea of loving my body how it is, I really can't. It's just too big. So you can imagine my relief to hear her voice again.

So far today I've had coffee with sweetener and half-n-half (25), and three baby carrots (11). For lunch I have a salad of iceberg lettuce, carrots, broccoli, homegrown tomatoes (lol they're so tiny), and fat-free italian dressing. That brings my daily total to (109). I'll have some gum later, so that'll bring it up, but it'll also burn more cals chewing (11 per hour, I've read).

Have I also mentioned that I'm twitchy as fuck? Whether Rex is in my head telling me to do it or not, I'm constantly shaking my leg. So that's gotta burn something, right?

I hope?


I didn't get any homework done last night because we had bad thunderstorms all evening. One place even got hit with a tornado. I have a phobia of thunderstorms (not a fear, a phobia) so I just shut down. I spent like six hours huddled under a blanket in my basement with music blasting in my ears to try to drown out the thunder.

It's kinda weird actually. I can do rain. I love rain. I can do heat lightning without rain. I think it's beautiful and it sounds wonderful. But as soon as you take rain and add thunder and lightning that hits the ground, I freak out like a chihuahua in a dog fighting ring. Like, hoooooolyyyyy shiiiiiiiit.

Reminds me of Rex, actually. I can eat normally without working out. Or I can binge and work out. But as soon as I try to eat normally and work out just a little, BAM. Rex is back in my head, and I start restricting and I'm burning a thousand calories in 1.5 hours at the gym. It's like there's no middle ground, which sucks. I stink at restricting, but I can't eat normally without working out or else I gain or stay the same.

Ugh. Why can't I just be normal?

Padfoot is back home from the hospital as of last Saturday. She's doing okay. Her mom's the bad guy right now because she's making Padfoot eat, while they wait for a bed to become available at the clinic. I hope she does her best to recover, because she's been through hell enough.

I'll keep you guys updated on my progress.

Oh, and my mom baked fresh bread this morning. Wish me luck for when I get home. It's one of my biggest weaknesses.

Stay strong, ladies and gents.

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

Monday, April 8, 2013

And so it starts again...

Hey everyone. Been a while.


Yeah, so, I just suck at updating this. I think it's because usually I only update on the days when I feel like I'm doing well. Which frankly hasn't been often lately.

I think I weigh somewhere around 137.

I kinda clicked again today. I had some plain yogurt for breakfast, and I have a banana packed for lunch.

Padfoot's been home since last Saturday. She's not at school anymore, but that's okay. She stays home with her mom, who makes her eat. She's going to a treatment center as soon as a bed opens up for her.

I've come to the realization that EDs are just exhausting. Like, seriously. I just get so tired of it all the time. The static in my head.

Hmm. I think I'd be more of an exercise bulimic if I had more time on my hands. Maybe I'll start working out in the mornings, too, before school. I'd have to figure out how to work the showers at the gym.

It could be good.

I want to be skinnier by prom. Like, at least ten pounds. That's in a month. Totally doable, right?

Well, it's me. So I guess we'll see.

In response to a question posed in a comment on my last post, my tattoo's going on the left side of my ribs, but more towards the front. It'll say "You are strong. You are beautiful. You are enough."

...Or maybe just "beautiful" or something like that.

idk. It was a much better idea a few days ago when Rex wasn't inside my head. But, alas, she's made herself quite comfortable again.

Will it ever stop?

Mergh. Sparks needs a nap.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Hey y'all.

I really need to get back on track with this whole updating thing.

So I yoyoed (lol, new weight loss verb?) for a while and then said to hell with this and stopped trying to restrict, but kept watching what I ate. I've got my weight pretty stable right now at about 134-135. Then I'm going to start gently incorporating in working out, starting with burning like 300-400 calories and slowly working up.

When I restrict, I really restrict, and I really work out. So I wind up with deficits. Which, frankly, is not good for Sparkies. It makes me binge within a few days, and then my weight skyrockets, and. yeah.

No good.

So now I'm trying to do it a bit smarter, at a pace I can keep up. The only problem is that I need to lose, like, 15 pounds by the end of April.

Hermherm. fmls.

I turn 18 in a week. It's hard to get my head around. I'm going to get a tattoo between then and the end of April, theoretically.

Umm. Yeah. That's todays' update.

Love you all.  Be good.

> Sparks <

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Ugh. Seriously?


What the fuck, Sparks?

I didn't work out yesterday, and instead ate a lot. Mergh.

I'm really tired today. I have a psych presentation last hour. Then I have to go home and write my 10-page paper. Both are on Anorexia.

I don't really have much else to say. Still don't feel very good. I have a pounding headache.

....I think I'll sleep until the bell rings.

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


...the worst at updating in the history of ever.



Soooo lately I've done some yoyoing. I went from 131.8 to 137.8. Blahblah. Found out I'm on my period so that explains a lot of the uncontrollable emotions and the eating of the everything in sight.


Yesterday wasn't awful. I was really good, with like 170 total. Then I got home and made a cake for my friend, at which point I ate a bunch of scraps and a bunch of buttercream. Totally worth it. OTL failure, Sparks, failure!

Anyways. So then I went to the gym for like a couple hours. I burned over 1000 cals on the arc trainer, and then did a bunch of strength training. So I feel like I did okay. Not great, because I was weak. But beter than I could have been.

This morning I weighed in at 134.4. Fuck yeah, losing.

I feel more determined lately than I have the past few days. It's just a matter now of finding time to work out. I think we're doing kickball in gym now so that doesn't burn any calories, really.. I just stand around the whole time. And then I'm going to have a shit ton of homework for the next, like, two days. I have a presentation tomorrow in Psych (that I haven't started) and a 10-page research paper due on Friday (that I also haven't started), as well as an English quiz which is basically 100 questions of the most nitpicky stuff ever.

So yeah. busybusybusy.

But it'll be okay. Even if I only work out for like half an hour. Who am I kidding? Now if I don't burn at least 1,000 calories, I feel like a slacker.

Oh well. C'est la vie. It isn't gonna be easy, but it'll definitely be worth it.

I hope everybody's doing okay.

Peace, love, and skinny. <3

> Sparks <

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Sick. :/

Yeah, you read that right. I'm sick. :( It sucks. I've been having basically hot flashes and shake fits all the time. My skin's all red and itchy. I think it's an allergic reaction or something.

Yesterday I had an intake of 150. Fuck to the yeah. :)

Today I weighed in at 132.4. Fuck to the fucking yeah.

So far I've lost a total of 8.2 pounds since my starting/highest weight of 140.6. And only in a few days! How exciting is that?

Ummmm... I got the scholarhsip figured out. Apparently they had technical difficulties and so they accepted it by email. it's really great news. :D

So yeah. I'm home sick today. I've had a cup of yogurt (200--ick) and some tea. I don't know about exercising. I feel like shit.

So yeah. I hope everyone has a good day today. :)

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Okay so in lighter news...

I weigh 134.0 pounds.

That's a 6.6 pound loss from yesterday... To be honest I think it was probably mostly bloating and *cough* waste material *cough* that had yet to be expelled. Yesterday I almost fasted. I consumed a grand total of 1.5 cups of lowfat milk (iknowiknowiknow) (150), two pieces of gum (5), 16 oz. of coffee (5), and a Dove vanilla ice cream bar with dark chocolate (totally worth the 250). Along with about 6-9 glasses of water during the school day and literally two gallons of tea in the afternoon/evening... Seriously. I drink enough tea during the day to drown a goldfish. Usually I just make a big pitcher and add about 5 packets of sweetener to it. Zero cal sweet tea, hot or iced. Like a boss.

So yeah. Yesterday came with a grand total of 410 calories. I burned 100 doing a quick workout thing (the 40-30-20-10 workout) but stayed home from the gym to work on a scholarship... which is coming up soon.

Today I've had 1/2 cup of skim milk (45 since it's organic) and some espresso (not sure if that has a lot of cals or not since it was instant powder). For lunch I'll have 1 cup of lowfat milk (100) because it's the only kind my school offers. I could get chocolate skim, but that has 110. idk yet. I'm kinda craving chocolate lately.

I burned 100 this morning with the same workout. I also have gym class today, though I don't expect to burn more than 100 there since it's an introduction day and we take half the class to read through a packet... plus I don't know what sport we're doing now. I really want to go to the gym today. I seriously need to exercise. plus I fucking love it. <3

Okayokay. So scholarships.

I spent close to 2 hours making little paper cutout dudes for this Frame my Future scholarship. I drew out figures, glued them to Mat board, and then spent like another 4 hours cutting them out with an exacto knife. Then I photographed them, and it looked really cool.

Then, I spent 3 hours going round and round their website on like five different computers trying to find the entry form.... and I couldn't fucking find it.

So I had to email it in (like three minutes past the deadline), which they said not to do, that you have to use the entry form, that there are no exceptions, you can't wait until the last minute in case you have problems with our website, blah blah blah.

So basically I did all of that work for nothing. And it's not even my fault. Their website is totally fucked up.

So that's probably my shot at $1000 down the drain because of something that's totally not my fault.


Sighsigh. Regardless of this STUPID FUCKING FUCKERY FUCKING THING OF MEGA FUCKED UP FUCKS I'm in a really good mood today. I've been bubbly all day.

OHH and my cylinder pot from ceramics made it into an art show. Which is UBER FUCKING HARD to get into! So I'm totally stoked! Like you have no idea. <3

Okay okay. Sparks has to go now.

Peace, love, and skinny, kids. Cheerio. ;)

> Sparks <

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


I weigh 140.6 pounds.

I am a fat, disgusting monster. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I'm sick in the head, sick in the body. Food is too much, and never enough.

I have liquid crazy sloshing around in my skull. I have the embodiment of good and evil on my shoulders, an angel and a devil, bickering back and forth, fighting, screaming at each other. I need to eat or else I'll die. I need to eat because food is necessary for life and function. I need to eat so I don't pass out at the wheel and crash and die. But I can't eat or else I'll get fat. If I eat, I'll gain weight. If I eat, I'll become an evil beat. I'll have to hurt myself. I'll have to do extra exercise.

How do I kill the demon inside of me without killing myself in the process? How do I extract the voice in my head without destroying my brain?

I'm posessed by a pathological beast that's clawing at the inside of my skull.

I can't stand the sounds anymore, nails on a chalkboard, constant shrieking.

I need it to stop.

I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sitting here watching other girls around me laugh and joke and eat their lunches. Skinny girls. Skinnier than me. Girls who don't work out, who are just tall, or have fast metabolisms.

And I hate them, every one of them.

Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck me.

Thursday, February 28, 2013


Hey everyone.

Yesterday went well. I had just shy of 400 cals intake wise. I didn't exercise at all, except walking around school, driving, etc... But frankly I kind of don't really care. :) I'm going to the gym today, and I have P.E. so it should be fine.


I weighed in this morning at 134.6 lbs. That's a loss of 2.6 pounds, which means 4.6 for the past two days. Woot! I was super stoked this morning, and then this voice came into my head saying that I'm still fat and I have such a long way to go. Which, as much as I hate to admit it, is kind of true. :/

This morning I had 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (2% milkfat since it's all we had--meh.) for 90, which has 12 grams of protein. 12 grams! God, I just love protein. And it burns a lot being digested and processed and stuff too, so that's good. :) I'm having more cottage cheese for lunch, and then water. I haven't decided what I want yet for dinner; maybe some cole slaw salad (20 per 1.5 cups) with fat-free dressing, and maybe some tuna. That sounds nice after a workout. :)

So, about the title of today's entry.

My friend Padfoot and I haven't talked for a while. She claims it's because she doesn't like to iMessage in class (WAYY easier than texting lol), but we don't really talk anyways. I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't want to talk, or she's not supposed to talk to me (because I could be a trigger?) or whatever. But I see her eating at lunch, which is really, really good. I wish I could tell her how proud I was of her, but I don't think you're supposed to do that, because that can be a trigger, too.

Anyways, we were texting a few weeks ago and I asked her if our one friend knows Ana. And she kinda went off on me. I told her that I was just worried, because our friend seemed to be getting thinner every time I hugged her, and I know she used to starve herself, and that she runs a lot. So then Padfoot said, "She's like a little sister to me. Ana fucked me over. I'll do everything I can to make sure Ana doesn't get to her."

Now, for me, this kind of draws some hard questions. Padfoot's always been like a little sister to me, too. Like, legitimately. I care about her so much, and it hurt so bad when I first found out in cross country that she was restricting and exercising. I hated knowing that she was hurting like that, and I hated knowing that it would all-too-easily eat her alive.

But still, I feel like I kind of encouraged her.

Yes, I went directly to the counselor and told her about it (to which she replied that she'd been keeping an eye on Padfoot for a while), but I still gave her diet tips. I told her what foods would fill her up, the best low-cal protein sources, tips that it was better to strength train than do all cardio. I wanted her to get the most nutrition out of her 1,000 cals a day, and I wanted her to be as healthy as possible. But I guess, in a way, I also dragged her into the Frostbitten world I knew so well. I was afraid of being alone, so I fueled her just enough to trigger myself in the process, so that we could both be cold together.

She got a lot skinnier than I did. She got down to 93.  I never broke 129.

She got a lot sicker than I did, too.

I know cognitively that no matter what I said I wouldn't be able to help her. No matter how many times that I warned her (and I did, frequently) that she'd never be skinny enough to satisfy the demon inside, that it would never be enough, that it was the worst way to live, that it was hell, that it physically hurt so badly, it would never do any good to her. She's the only one who could have controlled that little voice inside of her head. She's the only one who could have changed her mind.

but it's still hard to believe that I didn't try harder, I guess. I let Ana get to her. I let her hurt like that. I let my little sister get hurt.

Does that make me a monster?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Now That's Better

Before you ask, no, I haven't been to Wendy's recently.

Now that we've established that, good morning everyone! :)

So for the past few days I've been watching my weight creep up and up, until yesterday it hit 139.2.

I believe that the appropriate response to this is HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFGOD SPARKSWHATISWRONGWITHYOU.

Which was, of course, the response I had. :)

So yesterday I ate just under 700 calories, as opposed to the millions I've been eating lately. I worked out at the gym for an hour, which included burning 500 cals on the arc trainer (WAYYY more effective than the elliptical!!) and then doing a bunch of strength training. I also burned roughly 200 in gym class, playing floor hockey for 25 minutes.

So yesterday I ended with a tiny deficit, but it paid off.

This morning I weighed in at 137.2. It's still embarassing, but that's a loss of two pounds. Fuck yes!

So today I've had two egg whites, some tea, and half a cup of sugarfree jello. I'll hopefully work out after school, or church. If not, I'll go later at like 8, because the gym is open 24 hours.

Super stoked.

Stay beautiful, everyone.

Peace, Love, & Skinny

> Sparks <

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


I'm officially the worst at updating in the history of ever.

Anyways. I've got some reflections I've been having lately.

I think I have a very odd eating disorder. You see my lovelies, it's like it comes and goes. Some days, if I eat even a piece of celery, I have a panic attack. Other days, like the last week or so, I just don't care what goes into my mouth.

It's so strange.

Am I just not sick enough? Is it really not an eating disorder, but rather a passing phase? It's confusing and frustrating, and, of course, doesn't yield results.

I weighed in yesterday at 134.8. It's not awful, all things considered, but it's worse than it was. :/

I have more reflections on my friend Padfoot, but I'll save those for later. Currently, she's in outpatient therapy, and she's doing her best to get better, because she realized that Ana fucked her over. I'm really proud of her.

Hermherm. gtg.

Cheers kids.

> Sparks <

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Milk and Nanners

Hey y'all!

Sparks is in an awesome mood today. Wanna know why?

This morning, I weighed in at 129.2! Ladies and gentlemen, I have officially passed Goal Number One!

Let me tell you, it's such a great feeling. <3

Today is the yogurt and bananas day. I can have up to 8 cups of skim milk/nonfat yogurt, and up to 8 bananas. I know that sounds like a lot (like, 1600 cals a lot??) but once I work out it shouldn't be too bad. Plus, I only have 5 bananas. Unless I make a smoothie with frozen ones. Ooh, that sounds good. <3

I did cave and have two golden oreos, but I'll work out extra at the gym today. It'll be okay.

Hermherm. What else can I talk about.

Oh yeah. I'm doing an independent study for photography this semester. I had a 13-page paper all typed out, edited, everything. And then... WAHBAM. Ipad glitch. It happened a few times last semester too, when the whole document just kinda goes blank. So I lost everything.

So now I have to re-write it.. And I think it's due at the end of the hour.

Like, super overwhelmed and stressed and frustrated right now. I just don't even want to do it anymore. I'd rather fail the midterm than rewrite it.


Ummm.. Padfoot's doing okay. She's not freaking out like I expected her to, but she's still very stressed, etc. She basically went home from the doctor's and slept for the rest of the night or something.

So yeah. Stress over paper. Stress over friend.

Today's my sister's birthday.

Ummm.. what other scatterbrained stuff can I talk about?

A quick thanks to Skinny Bitch (god I feel so rude saying that D: ) for her comment. I love getting comments on my blog! Like, seriously. It just makes my day. :)

Uhh.. Yeah. I hope everyone has a fantastic day! :) Cheers kids!

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A Week Later...

Good evening, everyone. :)

So, I know it's been a week since I last updated. A lot has happened. I'll go through bit by bit.

First, I binged like a mother fucker. Well, not really. But I ate a little more than a normal person, which to me is like a binge. Anyways. Then I actually purged on the third day (thursday? idk.) And then after that I had a peanut butter sandwich with chocolate chips, and hot cocoa. So it was counterproductive anyways.

Sunday I had a crap ton of candy, four donuts, some weird bacon-egg-cheese wrap thing.. etc.

Since Monday I've been on something that's basically the Cabbage Soup Diet, except you only eat the soup on the last day. So Monday was all fruits. Yesterday was all veggies. Today has been all fruits and veggies. Tomorrow will be bananas and yogurt/milk. Etc.

I haven't been diehard with this diet. Yesterday I had two mini chocolate bars and some puppy chow. Today I had a reese's cup. Monday and yesterday I had sugarfree jello (like 20 cals worth). But I also worked out Monday and yesterday, averaging 350-400 each day, with cardio and strength training. My mom and I joined planet fitness. So much better than Gold's.

So yeah. Monday I was.. idk. I think 134.something. I didn't weigh myself first thing. This morning I was 130.2. Fuck yeah. It's not as low as earlier, but I'm getting there.

I have a high school dance in a week and a half. Don't have a date yet. I was going to ask this girl I really like, who's my friend (yes kids, Sparks is bi) but then I chickened out because we both like each other, but I don't really want a relationship right now. Because I'm a basketcase, as y'all well know.

OKAY. So more important news.

One of my good friends at school, who we shall call... Padfoot. Because that's what she's on as my iMessage contact. lol. ANYWAYS.

So Padfoot has EDNOS, though I'm pretty sure it's a lot closer now to anorexia than anything else. She's got it pretty bad. She's.. idk. 5', 5'1"... maybe 5'2". Today (in the afternoon, probably plus food/water weight) she weighed in at 93.5 at the doctor's. She's down 3.5 pounds from her visit two weeks ago, even though she's been eating more.

So now she's going to outpatient treatment at the local hospital. I'm very worried about her, but I'm also relieved; she's so thin, and so sick, I think it'll be good for her. I just really, really hope that she gets that being skinny will never be enough, will never make her happy.

God, I'm such a fucking hypocrite.

So yeah. Super stressed, super worried. But I think she'll be okay. I hope she will, anyways.

Uhh.. I think that's it.

Yeah, that's it.

I'll keep you guys posted.

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Good morning everyone.

Well, second-day binge, right on time, like clockwork. I had a lot of veggies, true. But I also had like two bananas. And chocolate chips. And a brownie (in a mug, so like 500 cals). And spaghetti. And garlic bread. And ranch dressing. And bread with butter and sugar and cinnamon.

I'm such a failure. :( I can't even look in the mirror today. I'm so bloated. My face is so fat.

Ughhhh negativeramblerumble.

Okay. So, failure aside, today's going to be better.

This morning I had coffee (5) with almondmilk (20) and sweetener. I really need to cut out the almond milk, I think. I also had 1/2 cup of fat-free greek yogurt (85) which includes 11g protein. For lunch I'm having an orange (70) and an egg white (17) with water. No oreos. I don't deserve oreos. :/ Not that I ever do, but... y'know.

I have P.E. today. We're playing volleyball. Which I absolutely suck at. But whatever.

I had a migraine on Friday. Still have a pounding headache from it. Like, it just won't go away. :( Ugh. It's too early for this.

I hope y'all are doing well.



Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dia Numero Dos

Heya kiddos. :) It's been a pretty good day so far.

Yesterday for lunch I had a tiny apple, an egg white, and 2 oreos. sue me biznitches. I went for a run when I got home. Then I had three more egg whites for protein. Dinner was two oranges, an english muffin, and a landslide of tea. I totaled just under 600 calories intake. Burned 505. Net was 82.

Today I've had an english muffin (120), two egg whites (34), an apple (55), oreos (100), tea, coffee with almondmilk (25), and two pieces of gum. The weather turned nasty and I hurt my knee (again) so I don't think I'll be running again today. I'll definitely do some yoga though, which I love.

My head is pounding. The ex boy is being persistant. Merfherders.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Start Again on Monday... again.

Well, kids, I think it's safe to say that I'm kind of a failure at life. :P

I didn't have 1/2 cup of soup. I had like.... ugh. No. I don't even want to talk about the weekend.

BUT! Before my awful weekend which no doubt ruined it, I hit 130.0, which was goal weight 1. It's probably back up now. idk. I'll weigh in tomorrow to see.

I feel like the only time I actually want to blog is when I'm doing well with my diet. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I just need to get my act together. *laughs*

Anyways. Today I've had coffee (5) with sweetener and 1/4 cup almond milk (10), a medium orange (70) and a hard-boiled egg white (17). That totals 101. For lunch I'm having a small (extra small? It's like 2 inches across..) apple (55) and another egg white (17). I'm not sure what's for dinner yet. I think maybe another orange. Or broth. I like both of them.

Hmmhmm. I have P.E. today. And a psych test that I haven't studied for. I should do that instead of blogging. GRAWR.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Rah Rah Rah!

Hey y'all. :)

I'm doing a lot better now. My cold is mostly gone, though I'm still coughing a bit.

I've done pretty well the past few days calorie wise, too.


Consumed: 487
Burned: 272
Net: 215


Consumed: 546
Burned: 104
Net: 442
 Damn scones. :P

Anyways. This morning I woke up and I could totally feel the fatigue hitting. Like, ohhh my goddddd. It's an awesome feeling, don't get me wrong. It's just a little weird when you're brushing your teeth and your arm feels like it's going to fall off. Or typing. That's a workout too. merrrrrr.

So, I think this is a good place to discuss something I've noticed as of late.

I don't know what it is, or why it is, but I don't completely hate my body.

Wait, what? An eating disorder freako doesn't hate her body?

Whoa. Yeah. Right?

Okay, I think I should highlight the "completely" in that statement. I still hate my stomach, my chest, my arms a bit, my lovehandles, and especially my inner thighs. Ugh. Those are disgusting.

But from the side, I actually kind of like my legs, especially in like shorts. I don't really have much of a butt to speak of, and I don't particularly like my skin or the fat that's there. But my legs aren't terrible. I actually got the good-legs genes in my family. Which is nice.

Does that mean I'm not completely and awfully and totally messed up?


Ahem. Anyways. That's my philosophical thought of the day. I'm going to pretend to do some actual work in class now.

Ohh yeahyeah. So today's my booster day, but I think I'll try to fast or fruit fast tomorrow. So anyways. Today I've had 3/4 cup of Special K Blueberry cereal (110) with 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk (20), and coffee (5) with another 1/2 cup of almond milk (20).

That brings my total to 155 so far. It's a lot higher than I like to have, but I'm having carrots (35) and possibly a granola bar (90) for lunch. Then I'm making soup for dinner, of which I'll have no more than 1/2 cup. That'll be about 200-300 (I think?), which will let me end below 700, which is my max goal. So it won't be bad. It still feels really high to me.

Maybe tomorrow I'll pump up the protein instead. Like, egg whites for lunch, tilapia or tuna for dinner. Protein is good. It builds muscle, which helps you burn calories in your sleep. <3

Oh, and I've also been doing yoga stretches lately that are supposed to make me taller. We'll see if they work. If they do, you'll be the first to know.

I'll update later to let y'all know how today goes.


Monday, January 21, 2013

Fight Like a Girl

Well, I've been pretty lazy about updating.

Not much has changed. I'm still sick, but at least I have my voice back. And it isn't strep throat, so that's good.

I've been watching what I eat, but not really restricting at all. Honey in the tea, lots of protein, etc.. I've found over time that if I restrict I just stay sick and miserable, but if I eat normally I get better faster. Which, although it ups my anxiety, is better than being sick. Ugh. I hate being sick.

Did some scholarship stuff today, dealt with my asshole of a brother, did some yoga... Not much to talk about.

Hmhmhm. I have to go to school tomorrow. :/ Fuck balls.

Anyways. Title of the post. I just ordered Emilie Autumn's "Fight Like a Girl" album online and I'm totally stoked. I can't wait to get it! Gah. Curses to the time it takes for mail to arrive. Anyways. I'm seeing her live in February, and I'm totally stoked. <3

Saw the ex boy yesterday. He dropped off a box of, like, everything I've ever given him. Going through it made me cry.


Anyways. I really only wanted my books back, and my friend's ring, so I think maybe I'll give everything else back to him since they were gifts that I wanted him to keep. Like that nice leather journal I gave him. That he didn't even write in. what. the. hell.



Anywhoo. Sicky's going to bed. Sicky has school tomorrow. fuck balls. Sicky has unfinished poetry BUT WHATEVER. She'll do itttttt eventually. hopefully. idrk.

Night night. <3

> Sparks <

Friday, January 18, 2013

Sickness on the Mind

So, wouldn't you know it? I'm really, honestly sick. I lost my voice yesterday, woke up today still without a voice, and with such a sore and swollen throat that I couldn't swallow. Now it feels like someone's dragging hot, rusty nails down my throat. And there are little whitish spots in the back. And I'm still coughing.

I think maybe it's Strep. I hope not. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Anywhoo. Today I've had a lot of cough drops and cough syrup and tea with honey and rum (hot totties). So I haven't even bothered to keep a total on my cals. I've also had yogurt, soup, etc.. Basically anything that doesn't kill my throat going down. I guess when you're sick you just don't really care.

In other news, I found this really awesome website! It's Dunno if I told you guys that or not. But the clothes are wholesale from China. They're mostly cheap, super cute, and the models are all really skinny so it's like bonus thinspo. So. Cute.

Okay. I don't have much else to say today. I don't think I'm getting back together with the ex. Also my cat is curled up next to me, she's very little and soft. Just thought y'all should know.

Take care, kiddos. Don't get sick.

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Different Gym Time?

Hey y'all. :) Hope everyone's doing okay.

I had a pretty good day. A bit of drama, etc. but otherwise nice. Relaxing, even. Well... sorta.

Okay, first things first. Today I had half a grapefruit (52), coffee (5) with almondmilk (20) and sweetener (0), two drink mixes (20), a Chewy bar (90), coke zero, chicken broth (10), toast (50), and tea with honey (40) and lemon juice (8) for my poor throat. Also for my poor throat was cough syrup (48) and cough drops (60).

That brings my totals to:

Consumed: 403
Burned: 247
Net: 156

It's not a deficit, but I'm okay with that. It's under 700, including cough stuff. Which, by the way, I've been coughing all day. I've actually lost my voice. Not the best, since the Talent Show at school is in a week and change. Ugh.

Anywhoo. Title of this blog.

So I did a bit of a test on the guys at Gold's today. I've been going there since December, but there was a newish girl at the front desk. Long story short, I wasted half an hour of my time to be treated like shit. Seriously, it was pretty much "join right now or get the fuck out." So I got the fuck out. I'm not going to spend forty bucks a month to be treated like I'm worthless just because I'm young. Planet Fitness, here I come. Hell, I'd rather run on pavement and tear my MCL again than go back to Gold's basically just to use the elliptical. Fuck them.

In other news, Sparks found the best website ever. :) It's

It's all wholesale from China. They have soooo many beautiful clothes, and most of it is super duper cheap! Plus all of the models are beautiful and super duper skinny, so it's like bonus thinspo. But really, they have awesome deals. Check it out!

Hmm.. Tomorrow's a late start. I'd rather have an early out, but c'est la vie.

Anyways. The Incubator of Infectious Disease is tired and needs to sleep. I'll talk to y'all later.

Also, a quick thanks to @Fat Piggy (god I feel rude calling you that D: ) for commenting! It's really nice to know I'm not just talking to myself. You're so sweet. :)

Good night, y'all.
Peace, Love, and Skinny. xx

> Sparks <

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Liquid Fast?

I was actually going to do a fruit fast today to try and up my intake a little bit, but still not feel guilty. I thought we had like pears and apples and grapes and all that stuff. Turns out we only have apples. Like, what?

So I'm doing a liquid fast instead. I had to have solids with my meds this morning (a Chewy granola bar, 90, because I was running late and didn't have time for anything else) and I'll have a little more tonight with my evening meds, but that'll probably be like half an apple or something. idk. I'm getting sick of apples.

Anywhoo. Today I've had coffee (5) with 1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almondmilk (20, a special treat) and sweetener (0). Plus that chocolate chunk Chewy bar (90) brings me up to 115. I also don't have any solids for lunch, so that'll be 0-20, depending on whether or not I use the drink mixes I brought. Haven't decided yet.

Still not sure what to do about the ex. I mean, what we had was special, but we were both like the "first love" for each other so of course it's going to be special. And we dated for almost two years. But at the same time, I kinda really like being single and I don't want to go through the whole long-distance thing again.


Kayyyy. I'll update later with my totals, etc. Dunno if I'll go to the gym or not. I'm feeling pretty awful, and we're out of cough syrup now, courtesy of moi.



Welllll, I failed as usual. What the fuck is wrong with me? I was fine, then I had to make cookies for small groups, and then WHAM suddenly half the dough was balanced on my spoon. The fuck?

Then I had half a quesadilla, a banana with Nutella, milk... I think that's it.

It wasn't a full-on Bulimic binge, because my daily totals I think are like 2000, estimating. Maybe 2500. But quantity-wise it wasn't that much food. I'm still kinda hungry, actually.


I'll fast tomorrow to try and counteract it. I've been slowly coming to terms with the idea that I may have Bulimia more than Anorexia now. I mean, I don't purge anymore because I hate it and it's uncomfortable and I always end up super puffy and I get these awful broken blood vessels all around my eyes. But, like, I'll binge, and then I'll restrict/fast and exercise til I drop, and then binge again. I think I just need to find the calorie mark that I can maintain and not want to binge. It used to be 700, but then I guess I always averaged more of 400.. Maybe that's why I'm binging.

Ugh, this whole ED thing is driving me nuts. I read blogs of veteran Anorectics who eat like 1000 cals a day, and I'm just over here like.. Dude, I'd die if I had 1000 cals. Like really. 30 cals seems like a crapload to me.

Maybe my view's just really really distorted. idk.

I can't wait to graduate and move out. I think this'll be easier when I'm in college, because the only time I'll have to worry about binging is at mealtimes.. And I think I can stave that off, because they're at set times and I can't stand having people watch me eat. I've decided that when I grow up and have my own place, I'm only going to have healthy foods there, like fruits, veggies, some brown rice, fish, etc. No chips or cookie dough or, god forbid, Nutella..

Anywhoo. Rant is over. I'm planning on fasting for at least tomorrow, and then for as long as I can. I still have to have solid foods to take my meds. I think that'll just be an apple that lasts me through the day. Like, half in the morning, half at night. blahblah.

Hrmmm. Still not sure what to do about the ex boy.

Thoughts thoughts thoughts.

Anyways. I'm tired and I haven't touched my homework because I've been too busy freaking out about my binge.


Okay kiddies. G'night.

> Sparks <

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Coke and Cough Syrup

Hey y'all. So guess what?

Sparks is sick.

I never used to get sick at all, ever. However, the past few years, every winter, I end up with like this chest cold/cough that's super duper obnoxious and doesn't go away for forever. So yeah, I got it again. It's really frustrating, because my chest and throat and everything hurts. And cough drops are like 15 cals a piece, and they don't do shit for me since my mom buys the crappy off-brand ones. So, off-brand cough syrup instead. I don't know how many calories are in it. I don't really care right now. sighsigh. Anywhoo.

So today's been a pretty good day so far. I had half a grapefruit and coffee for breakfast, for lunch I had pickles and an apple, and water all day. Since I got home I've had water and Coke Zero. And I weighed myself. 132 flat! Which is really exciting. I'm down 3.5 pounds since last week. :) Gooooo me.

I didn't go to the gym today because once I got home I was like 'screw this, I'm staying here where it's warm' and so I just stayed home. But we played basketball in P.E. and I did some pilates when I got home, so it's not all bad. Anywayyyysssss.

Update to come later with the totals. :)


Okay. So after I got home, I had some broth and a piece of toast for dinner, and then some orange creme ice cream/sherbert because I felt like it. Hot damn, was it good. :)

Anywayyyysss. So totals.

Consumed: 314
Burned: 346
Net: -32


So the ex wants to get back together. A bit of background there. So we started dating when I was a sophomore and he was a senior, then stayed together when he went to college, all through junior year, then over the summer. I finally broke it off in September because the long-distance was killing me. Like seriously. I'd see him maaaaybe three times a month, usually just one or two, if at all. For like a collective 14 hours. Then he'd be gone again. It was awful. I wasted so much time just waiting around for him, and I got tired of it. And frankly, I need someone who's a lot more high-energy, and who's going to scream and fight and play with me and be more passionate. I need someone who I feel like actually tries.

Anywhoo. I kinda really like being single. Plus, I've got college coming up, and I know that the ex is really iffy with the whole weight loss thing. So I'm not going to date anyone who wants to hold me back from that.

rahrahrah. My life is so dramatic at times. lalala.

Okies, cheerio kiddos!

> Sparks <

Monday, January 14, 2013

X, Y, Z...

Wheeeeeeelllp. That was a good day, in theory. Too bad this is reality.

I was actually doing pretty well today. 262 consumed, not my favorite number, but easily salvaged by a bowl of broth and maybe some bread.

Buuuuuut then my father brought home chinese takeout.

Now, let me tell you something about chinese takeout. It isn't food. It's stir-fried calories and lard. It doesn't digest and give you energy. It sits in your belly and crawls through your intestines and rots. The end.

So, I told my father that I'd just have some soup since I was feeling sick. An easy 10-calorie fake-out, right?

So then my ex tells me that a few days ago when he asked what was up, and I told him I was blogging, he went and searched and found this blog.


what. the. fuck. am i. supposed. to do. with. that.

I mean, obviously I can't just shrug it off and lie. He obviously knows. Maybe I should just delete this blog and start fresh. idk. I don't have any followers here anyways.


So, he brings it up, and with that mixed with my mom intercepting an e-mail that pretty much means she's going to get fired in two weeks from the job she worked her ass off getting, I got really fucking emotional. And I ate.

And ate.

And ate.

Rangoon and lo mein and deep fried sweet and sour pork and steamed dumplings and shit shit shit. like fuck. I'm a fucking vegetarian. I don't fucking eat pork or dumplings. fuck.

So now I'm sitting here. It's been like two, three hours, and I already feel bloated and greasy as fuck. Like, really? The fuck is this?

fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuucccckkkkk.


So yeah. Not sure what to do about the ex. Maybe I should just ignore him until he butts out. idk. He's depressed right now, so that would be a cruel thing to do, especially since he was there for me for almost two years and didn't run off when I was depressed.


Maybe I shouldn't even post about this. The only person aside from me who's read this is.. heh. Him. Greeeeeat.

Dis shit cray.

I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe I'll fast. I haven't decided yet.

Still no cutting, and no purging. Score one and two for Sparkies.

Cheers kids.

> Sparks <

Now, That's More Like It

Okay, so yesterday didn't go as planned, but it still went pretty well.

I went to church (I'm not actually religious, but if I don't go then I'm grounded from everything for forever) and had coffee with Splenda and a yoplait light for breakfast. Then I was cool until it was time to go skiing at 2, at which point I had a chocolate chunk granola bar (90) and more coffee. Midway through our skiing trip I was freezing so my friend and I went back inside to warm up, at which point I spent $2.25 (the FUCK?) on a cup of coffee that way WAAAAYYY too hot to drink, and I had another granola bar. After skiing for another hour my coffee was cool enough to touch. Like, hot damn.

Anyways. So it was a ton of fun yesterday. :) I wiped out twice, the first because I was getting used to it (since I hadn't been skiing in like six years) and the second because it was actually mostly ice, rather than snow, but then I hit this drift that I didn't see and did like five somersaults. So now I'm all bruised down my side and butt and back. But whatevs.

Ooooohhh. And there were these really hot guys there. Like, snowboarders, with dirty sandy blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes and this really sexy voice. Like. Hot. Fuckin. Damn. SOOOO HOT.


So I skied for like.. idk. three and a half hours, once I factor out breaks and lift time and a half hour for my safety net.

Then I went home and had a cup of tea, some chicken broth (10) and a Hershey's kiss and went to bed.

So yesterday.

Consumed: 316
Burned: 994
Net: -678

Fuck, I'm good.

So I'll post later for today's entry. Love you all! ~ <3

Peace, Love, Skinny.

> Sparks <

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Crash, Bang, Boom

Hello my lovelies.

Weeeeeeelllll. Here's a cheers to the fatal flaws of human kind.

So I was supposed to fast today, or maybe do a liquid diet. Three guesses how that went.

So let's just preface this with the statement that I'm a sucker for Nutella, and that I have the willpower of a carrot.

So I had bread, toast, Nutella, peanut butter, Nutella, popsicle, hot chocolate, Nutella, salad for dinner, with cheese, and with croutons, Nutella, tortilla and cheese, Nutella, bowl of grits with brown sugar, Nutella, coffee with half n' half, Nutella...

And then, guess what?

My brother's just like, "Hey, Sparks, we're having a surprise party for my girlfriend tonight. Wanna come?"

And since I'm trying to be more outgoing (and the party was fun, actually) I agreed.

So I had two pretty good sized pieces of cake, and two cupcakes, and popcorn, and a ton of veggies with ranch dip, and fruit, and two diet pops, and some Triscuits.

So yeah. I'm not even going to try and figure out my calorie count for the day. It's probably some handful of thousands.

Ugh. It's so frustrating. Today I woke up and I could see my ribs and hip bones a lot better, and even my waist looked smaller, and my tummy was pretty flat. Now it's all bloated and distended and looks like a tub of lard. And I feel like shit. Ugh. :/

Whatever. It'll set me back from my GW, but it's not going to keep me from reaching it. I'm going to fast tomorrow (forreals this time) because it's a lot easier for me to fast on a Sunday for some reason. I'm also going skiing tomorrow for like 5 hours so that should burn a crap ton of calories.

So yeah, all those deficits pretty much went for nothing. C'est la vie. I'll do better tomorrow.

I hope everyone else stays strong, and I hope I get better.

Peace, Love, & Strength. xx

> Sparks <

Friday, January 11, 2013

The Third Day

Hey, y'all. :)

Today's been an okay day so far. I got up and had a legit breakfast since I didn't want to pass out while driving, but then I ended up not driving anyways! Ugh. Stupid big brothers, needing the car.

Anyways. I'll be updating this post a few times, since it's only 9:30.

So far:

1 slice whole-wheat toast (btw, the bread I use is 50 cals/slice)
2 tbsp PB2
1 piece sugar free gum

So that leaves me at 100, even.

I can burn that off tonight in 150 crunches. Or in gym class. idrk. Guess we'll find out. :)


It's now 2:00 p.m.

So far:

1 slice whole-wheat toast
2 tbsp PB2
2 pieces sugar free gum
1 red bartlett pear

And we played basketball again in gym, which will continue for the next few weeks.

Consumed: 205
Burned: 213
Net: -8

How the heck do I keep having these deficits? I feel like I'm eating so much more than I'm burning, and I'm purposely underestimating the time I exercise. Like, I'm putting in half the minutes I actually go.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.


Final update:

Today I've eaten:

1 slice whole wheat toast
2 tbsp PB2
2 pieces sugarfree gum
1 red bartlett pear
1 bottle diet pepsi
1.5 cups iceberg salad
2 tbsp lite italian dressing
2 inches P'sghetti's bread
1 Hershey kiss, milk chocolate
1 tbsp Nutella

Consumed: 602
Burned: 656
Net: -54

Another deficit, even with the junk.

Not only did I have gym class today, but I also worked out at the gym when I got home--and burned 400 Calories. I could've done more (and would've liked to) but my Dad was my ride and he finished sooner than I wanted. C'est la vie. Eventually I'll get my own membership, and then I'll be able to work out on my own for as long as I want.

It's strange. Usually I only get upset about my calorie counts if it goes above a certain number--like 700, depending on the day. But today, when I logged my exercise into my calorie app (MyFitnessPal) and saw that I had like a 400 calorie deficit, I was super stoked. But then when I had to log my dinner and that deficit shrank, I felt so ashamed of myself. It's super weird. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed that I could ever even get a deficit, let alone have one for 3 days in a row. I mean, today's was more than yesterday's right? I need to explore these feelings.

I plan on fasting tomorrow, or doing a liquid diet for the day. I'll allow myself one cup of milk because I need the protein. Aside from that, though, it'll be coffee, tea, and water, with allowed sweeteners. Maybe broth for dinner if I can pass off being sick again.

And I'll work out until I'm dizzy.

It's so strange. I should be super light headed and everything, like I usually am after restricting this much. But instead I feel alive and electric, and I'm not even hungry. It's such a great feeling. :)

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <

Peace, Love, & Skinny

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Second Day

Hey everyone.

How are y'all doing? I hope well. I'm pretty sure nobody actually reads these, which is both good and bad. Good because I can be completely honest and not be judged, but bad because I recieve no feedback, questions, encouragement, etc. Oh well. C'est la vie.


Instead of paying attention to reviewing density in Geology class (since I already know about it), I'll do the first part of my daily report, to be updated later at the end of the day.

I got surprised this morning with a new case for my iPad (which is school-issued, fyi) so I'm able to type and look/listen to other things at the same time. It's very nice to have.

Did you know that the Earth is fatter at the equator than it is at the poles? It's called oblate sphericity. Just in case you were wondering.

I'm pleased to announce that so far, today's been a good day. I've eaten:

1/2 grapefruit
1/2 slice of whole wheat bread
1/2 slice of American cheese
2 icky-tasting pickle slices

So far:
Consumed: 103
Burned: 43
Net: 60

Not my favorite set of numbers ever, but I can live with it. I'm also making dinner, which has meat in it, which I don't eat, so I'll be able to hopefully just have some broth or something.

Let's hope I stay strong tonight. The second evening is normally when I binge. Maybe I'll see if I can get to the gym instead.


Lookie there, I was strong for once. :) I even passed it off with my family by telling them I wasn't feeling well. Thank god it's flu season!


1/2 grapefruit
1/2 slice whole-wheat bread
1/2 slice of American cheese
2 icky-tasting pickle slices (no joke, they were disgusting)
2 pieces of sugar-free gum
1 1/2 slices of whole-wheat bread
chicken broth
1 Hershey's kiss, special dark, to fend off cravings

Consumed: 221
Burned: 230
Net: -9

another deficit ftw.

I also had like a teaspoon of from-scratch hot chocolate (since I was making it for my mother and had to make sure it was good), but I've decided not to count that in my total. With all the walking around I do during the day and the calories I burned fidgeting and gum-chewing it'll be fine.

I know, I know. I'm a lazy anorectic. Sue me. :P

> Sparks <

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Life Starts Now

Today marks the day when my journey really, truly begins. I have to admit, I'm pretty stoked.

Today I've eaten:

1/2 grapefruit
1/4 apple
1 pickle
2 sticks gum
onion soup
2 Hershey's kisses

Intake: 202
Burned: 277
Net: -75

Deficit ftw.

I'm going to bed earlyish to see if I feel better tomorrow. Usually the second day of a diet I binge in the evening (that's what happened last night too), so I hope to stay as strong as possible for tomorrow.

The Bluetooth stopped working on my iPad case, so I have to get a new one because this one is useless. Until then I'm just typing on the touch screen. It's kinda challenging, actually.

Ehh, I think that's about it.


> Sparks <

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

An Introduction

Hey, everybody.

I'd like to take a chance to introduce myself.

I'm Sparks. I'm seventeen years old. I'm a senior in high school. I love photography and drawing and sculpture. My favorite color is orange, and I love dreamcatchers and clothing design.

Oh, yeah. And I have an eating disorder.

I guess in a way that's what this blog is about. My trials and progress, my successes and failures, my joys and my sorrows.

First, though, let's just get over the basics.

I've had an eating disorder since the sixth grade, or 2006. That would have made me eleven, if my math is correct.

My eating disorder (which I've nicknamed Rex) actually started as a way to self-injure without leaving scars, since the pains of hunger were far more intense and lasting than a pinch or slice of flesh. Of course, since I was also one of the most bullied girls in school, and because the Boob Fairy whacked me wicked hard, and because everybody else noticed, that self-injury rapidly developed into self-loathing, and eventually a desire for self-annihalation. I began to starve myself to disappear, hopped on the bandwagon, and slid promptly into my own personal realm of hell. The punishment took a wrong turn into Wanarexia, then into EDNOS, and then into Anorexia Nervosa.

You know that magical dangerzone that hovers between 65-70 pounds, where the slightest bit of exertion makes your vision go black and fuzzy, and you feel like you're living in a dream? Yeah, I've been there. Granted, I was much shorter at the time than I am now, but still. I could count every rib on my back without bending over. My cat liked to nestle and sleep in the hollow beneath my ribs where my stomach had once been. I could lay down on the softest mattress and still I writhed at the pain and pressure against my protruding bones.

My dear friend told me that I had to stop before I died. I relaxed my regime, but it still clung to me. I ate only the healthiest of foods when I ate at all. I played as many sports as possible.

When I was fourteen, my best friend Abbie killed herself over a slice of pizza and half of a brownie. She ate two bottles of painkillers and one bottle of sleeping pills. Then she slit her wrists. When none of them worked fast enough, she put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.

The shock made Rex curl up into a ball in the dark rear caverns of my mind, go to sleep, and leave me alone.

She woke again six months ago.

Although I did my best to fight her off, Rex was a bit too powerful for me, and has since inhabited half of my mind. It is her wish to take me over, to seep into every fiber of my pitiful being. She wants to take my 135 pound, 5'4" tall body and whittle it away into ash and nothingness.

I've decided to let her.

I still screw up a lot. I still give into temptation. But every day I get stronger, and so does she.

This blog will keep track of my sin and my sacrifice. It will be as accurate of a journal as I can make it. I'll talk about food, and calories, and feelings. I'll talk about self-harm. I'll talk about whatever I feel like talking about.

This might be triggering to some individuals. Proceed with caution.

Welcome to the first ring of hell. Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times.

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <