12 August 2013
I stayed up until almost 4 in the
morning skyping and texting the ex boy. It brought up a lot of
feelings I really feel like I shouldn't have brought up. I feel awful
and miserable. I'm so confused. I hate the fact that I still love
him. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to get into a
relationship right before I go to college on the 16th.
Besides, the reason I broke up with him in the first place was
because of the long distance. Now that we're 5-6 hours apart instead
of just 1 ½, I'd never see him. Ever. So there's no point. Besides,
I'm probably going to go to college and find someone who's a much
better fit for me, and who also makes me feel like I'm actually
wanted and worth the fight. Someone who's more aggressive like me.
All that aside, I started restricting
again. Seriously, consciously restricting. And by that I mean I
tried. The only thing I've had to eat today was cookie dough at like
2. Which has a lot of calories, I know. And it sucks. But it's at
least a start, right.
I don't have to justify myself to you.
Anyways. Now I'm having tea. I don't
know what's for dinner. I'll only eat a little of it regardless. I'm
sick of being fat, and now that I can't work out (my gym membership's
gone since I'm going to college) I have to really work hard to keep
my calories down. No more fat. Just skinny.
I've been chatting with Padfoot since
yesterday. She's at full mental relapse and about half physical. And
as much as it kills me on the inside because I know how much this
sucks, I also know there's nothing I can do about it. It's between
her and her therapist and her dietitian and her family and her
disease. So c'est la vie. As bad as this sounds, I'm kind of a little
relieved that I'm not the only one who couldn't recover.
I just hope I get legitimately skinny
this time, like she did. She got down to 85 and she's only a little
shorter than me. I don't think I ever even broke 130.
This time I'm going to get down to 120.
Then 115. Then 110. Then 105. That's what I want right now. 105.
I'm going to be a weird fucking eating
disorders counselor. I'll be studying to treat people who have them
while I'm making mine worse.
Fuck me, man. Fuck me.
Cheers, kiddos.
>Sparks<
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