Thursday, February 28, 2013


Hey everyone.

Yesterday went well. I had just shy of 400 cals intake wise. I didn't exercise at all, except walking around school, driving, etc... But frankly I kind of don't really care. :) I'm going to the gym today, and I have P.E. so it should be fine.


I weighed in this morning at 134.6 lbs. That's a loss of 2.6 pounds, which means 4.6 for the past two days. Woot! I was super stoked this morning, and then this voice came into my head saying that I'm still fat and I have such a long way to go. Which, as much as I hate to admit it, is kind of true. :/

This morning I had 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (2% milkfat since it's all we had--meh.) for 90, which has 12 grams of protein. 12 grams! God, I just love protein. And it burns a lot being digested and processed and stuff too, so that's good. :) I'm having more cottage cheese for lunch, and then water. I haven't decided what I want yet for dinner; maybe some cole slaw salad (20 per 1.5 cups) with fat-free dressing, and maybe some tuna. That sounds nice after a workout. :)

So, about the title of today's entry.

My friend Padfoot and I haven't talked for a while. She claims it's because she doesn't like to iMessage in class (WAYY easier than texting lol), but we don't really talk anyways. I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't want to talk, or she's not supposed to talk to me (because I could be a trigger?) or whatever. But I see her eating at lunch, which is really, really good. I wish I could tell her how proud I was of her, but I don't think you're supposed to do that, because that can be a trigger, too.

Anyways, we were texting a few weeks ago and I asked her if our one friend knows Ana. And she kinda went off on me. I told her that I was just worried, because our friend seemed to be getting thinner every time I hugged her, and I know she used to starve herself, and that she runs a lot. So then Padfoot said, "She's like a little sister to me. Ana fucked me over. I'll do everything I can to make sure Ana doesn't get to her."

Now, for me, this kind of draws some hard questions. Padfoot's always been like a little sister to me, too. Like, legitimately. I care about her so much, and it hurt so bad when I first found out in cross country that she was restricting and exercising. I hated knowing that she was hurting like that, and I hated knowing that it would all-too-easily eat her alive.

But still, I feel like I kind of encouraged her.

Yes, I went directly to the counselor and told her about it (to which she replied that she'd been keeping an eye on Padfoot for a while), but I still gave her diet tips. I told her what foods would fill her up, the best low-cal protein sources, tips that it was better to strength train than do all cardio. I wanted her to get the most nutrition out of her 1,000 cals a day, and I wanted her to be as healthy as possible. But I guess, in a way, I also dragged her into the Frostbitten world I knew so well. I was afraid of being alone, so I fueled her just enough to trigger myself in the process, so that we could both be cold together.

She got a lot skinnier than I did. She got down to 93.  I never broke 129.

She got a lot sicker than I did, too.

I know cognitively that no matter what I said I wouldn't be able to help her. No matter how many times that I warned her (and I did, frequently) that she'd never be skinny enough to satisfy the demon inside, that it would never be enough, that it was the worst way to live, that it was hell, that it physically hurt so badly, it would never do any good to her. She's the only one who could have controlled that little voice inside of her head. She's the only one who could have changed her mind.

but it's still hard to believe that I didn't try harder, I guess. I let Ana get to her. I let her hurt like that. I let my little sister get hurt.

Does that make me a monster?


  1. you are NOT a monster.

    if you ask yourself all these questions then there's no way. it's just part of the whole thing. you just never know what's what anymore. crazy how out of hands it gets huh? it ends up taking over waaay more than just food. it screws up your thinking, your perception...

    sorry if i don't make sense. long story short: i can relate.

  2. You know, if you think about it logically. The things that trigger some people won't trigger others. And for the most part, people won't take dieting advice as something which is going to trigger an ED. You can't claim responsibility for encouraging her, because she is dealing with her own demons which is the cause of it - not anything you may or may not have said. Helping people lose weight is just something that is assumed of people who are thinner than others. The only thing that you can do is make sure that you supportive and proactive, help her through it before it becomes a bigger issue.

    That aside, congrats on the loss. It's CRAZY good. Xo