Tuesday, March 5, 2013


I weigh 140.6 pounds.

I am a fat, disgusting monster. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I'm sick in the head, sick in the body. Food is too much, and never enough.

I have liquid crazy sloshing around in my skull. I have the embodiment of good and evil on my shoulders, an angel and a devil, bickering back and forth, fighting, screaming at each other. I need to eat or else I'll die. I need to eat because food is necessary for life and function. I need to eat so I don't pass out at the wheel and crash and die. But I can't eat or else I'll get fat. If I eat, I'll gain weight. If I eat, I'll become an evil beat. I'll have to hurt myself. I'll have to do extra exercise.

How do I kill the demon inside of me without killing myself in the process? How do I extract the voice in my head without destroying my brain?

I'm posessed by a pathological beast that's clawing at the inside of my skull.

I can't stand the sounds anymore, nails on a chalkboard, constant shrieking.

I need it to stop.

I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sitting here watching other girls around me laugh and joke and eat their lunches. Skinny girls. Skinnier than me. Girls who don't work out, who are just tall, or have fast metabolisms.

And I hate them, every one of them.

Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck me.

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