#30daysofgore

Hey kids.

Just some more update things.

I've been doing a lot of special effects makeup stuff lately so that's fun. I've missed working with my hands. The only problem is that it's so expensive :ccc But anyway, enough of that. I'm teaching myself and watching YouTube videos, mostly. There are a lot of replications out there which makes it hard to try to be creative.. but I'm doing it anyway. It's a lot of fun. I wish I could do it as a job, honestly, but I think it would take a long time before that happens.

School is going okay, I guess. I mean, I'm probably failing my classes, but I don't really know. I don't really care anymore. This numbness inside me is just consuming everything. This apathy is awful. I can't write music anymore. I think I can do sfx because you don't have to be super inspired to do it; you can just take a picture of a wound and recreate it. It doesn't have to have a deeper meaning.

Anyway, that's kinda what's going on right now.

Check out my sfx photos on instagram @ sparksinsomniac

Updates

Hey guys.

I haven't been here in a while, and I'm sorry for that. The last time I posted on here was... what? 2013? Yeah, I'm not the same person that I was then.

I have a boyfriend now, and we've been dating since mid-April of 2014. His name is Alex and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. I've never been in a healthier relationship. We've been dating for about a year and a few months and we've never had a single fight. He's kind, he's understanding, and we're super silly with each other, which I think is what keeps things fun. Let's be honest, I'll probably end up marrying this guy. For those of you who watch Friends, he's my lobster. c:

I have three jobs on top of being a college student. I'm a hostess, I work in a lab for the university, and I'm a freelance photographer/artist. I'm also double-majoring in Psychology and Ag Science--it's a wonder I'm not busier. I live in a house with Alex and three other people: Katie, my bff; Linsa, who is probably my bff but with whom I've been having problems lately; and Trevor, who used to be just Alex's friend but who is now friends with everyone in our house. If that makes any sense. It's pretty great, minus Linsa problems. You'll probably hear more on that later but for now I'll let it lie. Also Katie is getting married and I'm her MOH so that's exciting.

Things have been a little hard lately. I'm at the heaviest I've ever been and my self-esteem is not very forgiving. I haven't cut or starved myself in a very long time and I'm pretty proud of that. Of course I want to cut a lot of the time, but nobody said it was going to be easy.

So yeah, that's my life right now. Hope everyone's doing well.

>Sparks

The Morning After

...a binge.

Let me preface this by saying that I've never actually had a full-on binge before. It was always just me eating a lot; I never felt like I couldn't stop.

I feel like shit. I feel tired, my stomach hurts, and I'm completely wracked with guilt. I had probably half a jar of peanut butter, three granola bars, a crap ton of popcorn, little mini cake things, chocolate, pretzels, a Golden Grahams s'mores bar... actually I think that's it. But fuck me man, that's a lot of food. That's so many calories. I was under 500 before I started and then BAM.

I'm terrified to weigh myself. I got down to a new LW yesterday and I know that if I weigh myself now it's gonna say I'm huuuuuuuge and I don't know if I can handle it. I'm also torn between fasting all fucking weekend and continuing my food spree. I have such a bad carb craving. I've never craved waffles and poptarts and pancakes and cinnamon rolls before. It's so strange. Why do I have such a twisted relationship with food? It's so fucking horrible.

I hate myself. I hatehatehate myself. I just want to die.

...that being said I'm not going to off myself or anything. I just.. idk. I want to stop existing.

I'm scared to go to lunch and dinner today... The dining halls are all-you-can-eat. What if I binge the fuck out of them? That would be so embarrassing, not to mention horrible! ohgodohgodohgod.

I'm gonna go shake and whine like a chihuahua now.

Jumping on the Band Wagon

12 August 2013

I stayed up until almost 4 in the morning skyping and texting the ex boy. It brought up a lot of feelings I really feel like I shouldn't have brought up. I feel awful and miserable. I'm so confused. I hate the fact that I still love him. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to get into a relationship right before I go to college on the 16^th. Besides, the reason I broke up with him in the first place was because of the long distance. Now that we're 5-6 hours apart instead of just 1 ½, I'd never see him. Ever. So there's no point. Besides, I'm probably going to go to college and find someone who's a much better fit for me, and who also makes me feel like I'm actually wanted and worth the fight. Someone who's more aggressive like me.

All that aside, I started restricting again. Seriously, consciously restricting. And by that I mean I tried. The only thing I've had to eat today was cookie dough at like 2. Which has a lot of calories, I know. And it sucks. But it's at least a start, right.

I don't have to justify myself to you.

Anyways. Now I'm having tea. I don't know what's for dinner. I'll only eat a little of it regardless. I'm sick of being fat, and now that I can't work out (my gym membership's gone since I'm going to college) I have to really work hard to keep my calories down. No more fat. Just skinny.

I've been chatting with Padfoot since yesterday. She's at full mental relapse and about half physical. And as much as it kills me on the inside because I know how much this sucks, I also know there's nothing I can do about it. It's between her and her therapist and her dietitian and her family and her disease. So c'est la vie. As bad as this sounds, I'm kind of a little relieved that I'm not the only one who couldn't recover.

I just hope I get legitimately skinny this time, like she did. She got down to 85 and she's only a little shorter than me. I don't think I ever even broke 130.

This time I'm going to get down to 120. Then 115. Then 110. Then 105. That's what I want right now. 105.

I'm going to be a weird fucking eating disorders counselor. I'll be studying to treat people who have them while I'm making mine worse.

Fuck me, man. Fuck me.

Cheers, kiddos.

>Sparks<

11 August 2013

11 August 2013

Recovery

(n.) The hardest part of an addiction.

Relapse

(v.) To slip back into the addiction.

(n.) The point in time when recovery fails.

(syn.) See “present-tense.”

Addiction

(syn.) See “hell.”

The demons that we find within ourselves are always the hardest to face. They are the most deeply embedded and the hardest to get rid of. We can't exorcise them by ourselves, but they won't let us call out for help. So we end up trapped in the hell of our minds, being devoured from the inside out by the evil spirit that has inhabited our fragile bodies. Such is the nature of possession.

People tell me all the time that Rome wasn't built in a day. That I have to keep working, keep trying. Keep going. Eventually I'll have the support, the infrastructure, the beauty and stability and magic. Just like Rome. But there's a slight problem with that analogy.

But eventually, Rome fell.

I've been in relapse for a while now. Mentally, I'm all the way back where I started. Physically it couldn't be farther than the truth. I don't know how much I weigh; probably somewhere between 145 and 150 pounds. I have so many overuse injuries I can't move without pain. But I can't find the will to restrict, either. So I end up just hating myself, wishing for a skinnier me to come and transform my body overnight. I hate myself because that can't happen.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

It was chiseled out of stone, out of earth, formed in the way it was wanted. Designed by the will of the beings who controlled it.

I will form myself, chisel myself down from stone until I'm the proper shape and size. Until there's nothing left. I will turn myself into a masterpiece.

I will be Rome.

And eventually, I will fall.

ROUND TWO

I WARNED YOU ALL. I AM THE WORST EVER AT UPDATING.

But I'm back now so it's okay. :)

This morning I weighed in at 141.0 (gag me) and I've been fasting all day, except for coffee. So my net right now is 82 because fuck you liquid  calories! And calcium.

So yeah. Today I've had:

3 cups coffee (7)

1 T + 2 tsp Half n half (33)

2 tsp Sugar in the Raw (30)

2 Antacid tablets (calcium supplement) (12)

And no exercise yet (though I might do yoga later)

Consumed: 82

Burned: 0

Net: 82

I might recalculate that later because I went to the store and walked/stood for like 15-30 minutes. BUT WE'LL SEE. Y'all know how picky I am.

How is everybody?

Life Without Scales...

ABSOLUTELY SUCKS.

Yeah so my parents stole their scale back (I stole it first lol whoops) so now I have no scale. I haven't weighed in for at least five days. I have no idea what I weigh.

....still hella fat, so obviously too much.

Whatever. I'm never gonna be skinny. Fact of life.

Also, I'm on Twitter now. Follow me at @SparksInsomniac and I'll follow back!

Ummm... Took a detox bath yesterday. I'm sore all over now. Is that normal?

Mergh. I should fast tomorrow... I like fasting.

That's all  folks.

How's everyone doing?

BEFORE I FORGET

I'm in a scholarship contest and I need votes! I can get a $1,000 scholarship, I just need votes! So if you like it, please vote, share this on your blogs, etc. Thanks!

You can find my piece here:

www.diplomaframe.com/FMF2013-Jakle

I got picked to be one of 24 finalists, out of the 9,200 that entered. This really means a lot to me.

Peace, Love, & Skinny

<3

Wokka wokka

136.8 today.

I've been bad today. Had oatmeal for breakfast with sugar and almonds and milk. Had two slices of pizza for lunch. ;; No bueno.

BUT. I have no homework due tomorrow. So today I'll be spending at least two hours at the gym. I like this plan. This is a good plan.

I seriously doubt I'll be skinny by prom. I'm going to be ugly. Ugh. Maybe I'll wear my dress from Sophomore year instead. It's much more prom-y anyways.

ALSO. I'm now on Twitter. First account ever, still figuring it out. xD I'm @SparksInsomniac so come say hi and I'll follow you!

Uhh.. I think that's it.

And I got the best idea ever for my tattoo. Just fyi. But it's a surprise so can't tell! :)

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

Frostbite.

136.2 this morning. Not outstanding. But hey, loss is loss. I'll take what I can get.

Today I've had... idk. 130? ish? calories. Less than 200. It's been a good day, for the most part. I'm leaving for a doctor's appointment in five minutes. Outta school early ftw. I'm not worried about weighing in. I weigh more than I usually do. So meh.

Sad panda.

Sparks needs to get skinny before prom. hmmhmm. That way she can look better in her dress. Because now it's chunky monkey.

My stomach feels empty today, which is good. It's kinda prickly burning. Not aching, but burning.

Also. The frostbite's back on my fingertips. <3

Now, let me explain that. I don't actually have frostbite on my fingers. I've never had frostbite. But whenever I'm being good, my fingers get really cold and my nails turn blue, and then eventually my fingertips turn blue too. And they're freezing all the time. So I know I'm eating well if I have "frostbite" on my fingertips.

Inspiration for blog title? You guys catch on so fast. ;)

Hmmmm. Yeah. So I went on a high-ropes course yesterday with my youth group. I'd be a good ninja, after I practiced some more. I was freaking out inside but got used to it after a while. Being forty feet in the air isn't all that normal, though.

So yeah. And then I've spent the last few days cleaning my room like a crazy person because we're having the house appraised today. Hmmhmm. Hope it doesn't look too awful~~~

Sparks has to go now. Toodles!

Peace, Love, & Skinny. <3

> Sparks <

You win, Rex. You win.

138.4 this morning.

Sexy Rexy is back.

Now, I know that this is a horrible, horrible number. Five more pounds up and I'd be overweight. I've gained in the last two days. But then again, I haven't been trying.

I woke up this morning and Rex was back in my skull. As much as I love the idea of loving my body how it is, I really can't. It's just too big. So you can imagine my relief to hear her voice again.

So far today I've had coffee with sweetener and half-n-half (25), and three baby carrots (11). For lunch I have a salad of iceberg lettuce, carrots, broccoli, homegrown tomatoes (lol they're so tiny), and fat-free italian dressing. That brings my daily total to (109). I'll have some gum later, so that'll bring it up, but it'll also burn more cals chewing (11 per hour, I've read).

Have I also mentioned that I'm twitchy as fuck? Whether Rex is in my head telling me to do it or not, I'm constantly shaking my leg. So that's gotta burn something, right?

I hope?

Mergh.

I didn't get any homework done last night because we had bad thunderstorms all evening. One place even got hit with a tornado. I have a phobia of thunderstorms (not a fear, a phobia) so I just shut down. I spent like six hours huddled under a blanket in my basement with music blasting in my ears to try to drown out the thunder.

It's kinda weird actually. I can do rain. I love rain. I can do heat lightning without rain. I think it's beautiful and it sounds wonderful. But as soon as you take rain and add thunder and lightning that hits the ground, I freak out like a chihuahua in a dog fighting ring. Like, hoooooolyyyyy shiiiiiiiit.

Reminds me of Rex, actually. I can eat normally without working out. Or I can binge and work out. But as soon as I try to eat normally and work out just a little, BAM. Rex is back in my head, and I start restricting and I'm burning a thousand calories in 1.5 hours at the gym. It's like there's no middle ground, which sucks. I stink at restricting, but I can't eat normally without working out or else I gain or stay the same.

Ugh. Why can't I just be normal?

Padfoot is back home from the hospital as of last Saturday. She's doing okay. Her mom's the bad guy right now because she's making Padfoot eat, while they wait for a bed to become available at the clinic. I hope she does her best to recover, because she's been through hell enough.

I'll keep you guys updated on my progress.

Oh, and my mom baked fresh bread this morning. Wish me luck for when I get home. It's one of my biggest weaknesses.

Stay strong, ladies and gents.

Peace, Love, & Skinny.

> Sparks <

And so it starts again...

Hey everyone. Been a while.

/shot.

Yeah, so, I just suck at updating this. I think it's because usually I only update on the days when I feel like I'm doing well. Which frankly hasn't been often lately.

I think I weigh somewhere around 137.

I kinda clicked again today. I had some plain yogurt for breakfast, and I have a banana packed for lunch.

Padfoot's been home since last Saturday. She's not at school anymore, but that's okay. She stays home with her mom, who makes her eat. She's going to a treatment center as soon as a bed opens up for her.

I've come to the realization that EDs are just exhausting. Like, seriously. I just get so tired of it all the time. The static in my head.

Hmm. I think I'd be more of an exercise bulimic if I had more time on my hands. Maybe I'll start working out in the mornings, too, before school. I'd have to figure out how to work the showers at the gym.

It could be good.

I want to be skinnier by prom. Like, at least ten pounds. That's in a month. Totally doable, right?

Well, it's me. So I guess we'll see.

In response to a question posed in a comment on my last post, my tattoo's going on the left side of my ribs, but more towards the front. It'll say "You are strong. You are beautiful. You are enough."

...Or maybe just "beautiful" or something like that.

idk. It was a much better idea a few days ago when Rex wasn't inside my head. But, alas, she's made herself quite comfortable again.

Will it ever stop?

Mergh. Sparks needs a nap.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Hey y'all.

I really need to get back on track with this whole updating thing.

So I yoyoed (lol, new weight loss verb?) for a while and then said to hell with this and stopped trying to restrict, but kept watching what I ate. I've got my weight pretty stable right now at about 134-135. Then I'm going to start gently incorporating in working out, starting with burning like 300-400 calories and slowly working up.

When I restrict, I really restrict, and I really work out. So I wind up with deficits. Which, frankly, is not good for Sparkies. It makes me binge within a few days, and then my weight skyrockets, and. yeah.

No good.

So now I'm trying to do it a bit smarter, at a pace I can keep up. The only problem is that I need to lose, like, 15 pounds by the end of April.

Hermherm. fmls.

I turn 18 in a week. It's hard to get my head around. I'm going to get a tattoo between then and the end of April, theoretically.

Umm. Yeah. That's todays' update.

Love you all.  Be good.

> Sparks <

Ugh. Seriously?

138.4.

What the fuck, Sparks?

I didn't work out yesterday, and instead ate a lot. Mergh.

I'm really tired today. I have a psych presentation last hour. Then I have to go home and write my 10-page paper. Both are on Anorexia.

I don't really have much else to say. Still don't feel very good. I have a pounding headache.

....I think I'll sleep until the bell rings.

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <

I AM

...the worst at updating in the history of ever.

/shot.

Okayokayokay.

Soooo lately I've done some yoyoing. I went from 131.8 to 137.8. Blahblah. Found out I'm on my period so that explains a lot of the uncontrollable emotions and the eating of the everything in sight.

ihavethewillpowerofacarrot.

Yesterday wasn't awful. I was really good, with like 170 total. Then I got home and made a cake for my friend, at which point I ate a bunch of scraps and a bunch of buttercream. Totally worth it. OTL failure, Sparks, failure!

Anyways. So then I went to the gym for like a couple hours. I burned over 1000 cals on the arc trainer, and then did a bunch of strength training. So I feel like I did okay. Not great, because I was weak. But beter than I could have been.

This morning I weighed in at 134.4. Fuck yeah, losing.

I feel more determined lately than I have the past few days. It's just a matter now of finding time to work out. I think we're doing kickball in gym now so that doesn't burn any calories, really.. I just stand around the whole time. And then I'm going to have a shit ton of homework for the next, like, two days. I have a presentation tomorrow in Psych (that I haven't started) and a 10-page research paper due on Friday (that I also haven't started), as well as an English quiz which is basically 100 questions of the most nitpicky stuff ever.

So yeah. busybusybusy.

But it'll be okay. Even if I only work out for like half an hour.

....lol. Who am I kidding? Now if I don't burn at least 1,000 calories, I feel like a slacker.

Oh well. C'est la vie. It isn't gonna be easy, but it'll definitely be worth it.

I hope everybody's doing okay.

Peace, love, and skinny. <3

> Sparks <

Sick. :/

Yeah, you read that right. I'm sick. :( It sucks. I've been having basically hot flashes and shake fits all the time. My skin's all red and itchy. I think it's an allergic reaction or something.

Yesterday I had an intake of 150. Fuck to the yeah. :)

Today I weighed in at 132.4. Fuck to the fucking yeah.

So far I've lost a total of 8.2 pounds since my starting/highest weight of 140.6. And only in a few days! How exciting is that?

Ummmm... I got the scholarhsip figured out. Apparently they had technical difficulties and so they accepted it by email. it's really great news. :D

So yeah. I'm home sick today. I've had a cup of yogurt (200--ick) and some tea. I don't know about exercising. I feel like shit.

So yeah. I hope everyone has a good day today. :)

Cheers, kids.

> Sparks <

Okay so in lighter news...

I weigh 134.0 pounds.

That's a 6.6 pound loss from yesterday... To be honest I think it was probably mostly bloating and *cough* waste material *cough* that had yet to be expelled. Yesterday I almost fasted. I consumed a grand total of 1.5 cups of lowfat milk (iknowiknowiknow) (150), two pieces of gum (5), 16 oz. of coffee (5), and a Dove vanilla ice cream bar with dark chocolate (totally worth the 250). Along with about 6-9 glasses of water during the school day and literally two gallons of tea in the afternoon/evening... Seriously. I drink enough tea during the day to drown a goldfish. Usually I just make a big pitcher and add about 5 packets of sweetener to it. Zero cal sweet tea, hot or iced. Like a boss.

So yeah. Yesterday came with a grand total of 410 calories. I burned 100 doing a quick workout thing (the 40-30-20-10 workout) but stayed home from the gym to work on a scholarship... which is coming up soon.

Today I've had 1/2 cup of skim milk (45 since it's organic) and some espresso (not sure if that has a lot of cals or not since it was instant powder). For lunch I'll have 1 cup of lowfat milk (100) because it's the only kind my school offers. I could get chocolate skim, but that has 110. idk yet. I'm kinda craving chocolate lately.

I burned 100 this morning with the same workout. I also have gym class today, though I don't expect to burn more than 100 there since it's an introduction day and we take half the class to read through a packet... plus I don't know what sport we're doing now. I really want to go to the gym today. I seriously need to exercise. plus I fucking love it. <3

Okayokay. So scholarships.

I spent close to 2 hours making little paper cutout dudes for this Frame my Future scholarship. I drew out figures, glued them to Mat board, and then spent like another 4 hours cutting them out with an exacto knife. Then I photographed them, and it looked really cool.

Then, I spent 3 hours going round and round their website on like five different computers trying to find the entry form.... and I couldn't fucking find it.

So I had to email it in (like three minutes past the deadline), which they said not to do, that you have to use the entry form, that there are no exceptions, you can't wait until the last minute in case you have problems with our website, blah blah blah.

So basically I did all of that work for nothing. And it's not even my fault. Their website is totally fucked up.

So that's probably my shot at $1000 down the drain because of something that's totally not my fault.

/rage.

Sighsigh. Regardless of this STUPID FUCKING FUCKERY FUCKING THING OF MEGA FUCKED UP FUCKS I'm in a really good mood today. I've been bubbly all day.

OHH and my cylinder pot from ceramics made it into an art show. Which is UBER FUCKING HARD to get into! So I'm totally stoked! Like you have no idea. <3

Okay okay. Sparks has to go now.

Peace, love, and skinny, kids. Cheerio. ;)

> Sparks <

Failure

I weigh 140.6 pounds.

I am a fat, disgusting monster. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I'm sick in the head, sick in the body. Food is too much, and never enough.

I have liquid crazy sloshing around in my skull. I have the embodiment of good and evil on my shoulders, an angel and a devil, bickering back and forth, fighting, screaming at each other. I need to eat or else I'll die. I need to eat because food is necessary for life and function. I need to eat so I don't pass out at the wheel and crash and die. But I can't eat or else I'll get fat. If I eat, I'll gain weight. If I eat, I'll become an evil beat. I'll have to hurt myself. I'll have to do extra exercise.

How do I kill the demon inside of me without killing myself in the process? How do I extract the voice in my head without destroying my brain?

I'm posessed by a pathological beast that's clawing at the inside of my skull.

I can't stand the sounds anymore, nails on a chalkboard, constant shrieking.

I need it to stop.

I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sitting here watching other girls around me laugh and joke and eat their lunches. Skinny girls. Skinnier than me. Girls who don't work out, who are just tall, or have fast metabolisms.

And I hate them, every one of them.

Fuck this. Fuck them. Fuck me.

Monsters

Hey everyone.

Yesterday went well. I had just shy of 400 cals intake wise. I didn't exercise at all, except walking around school, driving, etc... But frankly I kind of don't really care. :) I'm going to the gym today, and I have P.E. so it should be fine.

#LazyAnorexic

I weighed in this morning at 134.6 lbs. That's a loss of 2.6 pounds, which means 4.6 for the past two days. Woot! I was super stoked this morning, and then this voice came into my head saying that I'm still fat and I have such a long way to go. Which, as much as I hate to admit it, is kind of true. :/

This morning I had 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (2% milkfat since it's all we had--meh.) for 90, which has 12 grams of protein. 12 grams! God, I just love protein. And it burns a lot being digested and processed and stuff too, so that's good. :) I'm having more cottage cheese for lunch, and then water. I haven't decided what I want yet for dinner; maybe some cole slaw salad (20 per 1.5 cups) with fat-free dressing, and maybe some tuna. That sounds nice after a workout. :)

So, about the title of today's entry.

My friend Padfoot and I haven't talked for a while. She claims it's because she doesn't like to iMessage in class (WAYY easier than texting lol), but we don't really talk anyways. I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't want to talk, or she's not supposed to talk to me (because I could be a trigger?) or whatever. But I see her eating at lunch, which is really, really good. I wish I could tell her how proud I was of her, but I don't think you're supposed to do that, because that can be a trigger, too.

Anyways, we were texting a few weeks ago and I asked her if our one friend knows Ana. And she kinda went off on me. I told her that I was just worried, because our friend seemed to be getting thinner every time I hugged her, and I know she used to starve herself, and that she runs a lot. So then Padfoot said, "She's like a little sister to me. Ana fucked me over. I'll do everything I can to make sure Ana doesn't get to her."

Now, for me, this kind of draws some hard questions. Padfoot's always been like a little sister to me, too. Like, legitimately. I care about her so much, and it hurt so bad when I first found out in cross country that she was restricting and exercising. I hated knowing that she was hurting like that, and I hated knowing that it would all-too-easily eat her alive.

But still, I feel like I kind of encouraged her.

Yes, I went directly to the counselor and told her about it (to which she replied that she'd been keeping an eye on Padfoot for a while), but I still gave her diet tips. I told her what foods would fill her up, the best low-cal protein sources, tips that it was better to strength train than do all cardio. I wanted her to get the most nutrition out of her 1,000 cals a day, and I wanted her to be as healthy as possible. But I guess, in a way, I also dragged her into the Frostbitten world I knew so well. I was afraid of being alone, so I fueled her just enough to trigger myself in the process, so that we could both be cold together.

She got a lot skinnier than I did. She got down to 93.  I never broke 129.

She got a lot sicker than I did, too.

I know cognitively that no matter what I said I wouldn't be able to help her. No matter how many times that I warned her (and I did, frequently) that she'd never be skinny enough to satisfy the demon inside, that it would never be enough, that it was the worst way to live, that it was hell, that it physically hurt so badly, it would never do any good to her. She's the only one who could have controlled that little voice inside of her head. She's the only one who could have changed her mind.

but it's still hard to believe that I didn't try harder, I guess. I let Ana get to her. I let her hurt like that. I let my little sister get hurt.

Does that make me a monster?

Now That's Better

Before you ask, no, I haven't been to Wendy's recently.

Now that we've established that, good morning everyone! :)

So for the past few days I've been watching my weight creep up and up, until yesterday it hit 139.2.

I believe that the appropriate response to this is HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFGOD SPARKSWHATISWRONGWITHYOU.

Which was, of course, the response I had. :)

So yesterday I ate just under 700 calories, as opposed to the millions I've been eating lately. I worked out at the gym for an hour, which included burning 500 cals on the arc trainer (WAYYY more effective than the elliptical!!) and then doing a bunch of strength training. I also burned roughly 200 in gym class, playing floor hockey for 25 minutes.

So yesterday I ended with a tiny deficit, but it paid off.

This morning I weighed in at 137.2. It's still embarassing, but that's a loss of two pounds. Fuck yes!

So today I've had two egg whites, some tea, and half a cup of sugarfree jello. I'll hopefully work out after school, or church. If not, I'll go later at like 8, because the gym is open 24 hours.

Super stoked.

Stay beautiful, everyone.

Peace, Love, & Skinny

> Sparks <