I was actually going to do a fruit fast today to try and up my intake a little bit, but still not feel guilty. I thought we had like pears and apples and grapes and all that stuff. Turns out we only have apples. Like, what?
So I'm doing a liquid fast instead. I had to have solids with my meds this morning (a Chewy granola bar, 90, because I was running late and didn't have time for anything else) and I'll have a little more tonight with my evening meds, but that'll probably be like half an apple or something. idk. I'm getting sick of apples.
Anywhoo. Today I've had coffee (5) with 1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almondmilk (20, a special treat) and sweetener (0). Plus that chocolate chunk Chewy bar (90) brings me up to 115. I also don't have any solids for lunch, so that'll be 0-20, depending on whether or not I use the drink mixes I brought. Haven't decided yet.
Still not sure what to do about the ex. I mean, what we had was special, but we were both like the "first love" for each other so of course it's going to be special. And we dated for almost two years. But at the same time, I kinda really like being single and I don't want to go through the whole long-distance thing again.
Kayyyy. I'll update later with my totals, etc. Dunno if I'll go to the gym or not. I'm feeling pretty awful, and we're out of cough syrup now, courtesy of moi.
Welllll, I failed as usual. What the fuck is wrong with me? I was fine, then I had to make cookies for small groups, and then WHAM suddenly half the dough was balanced on my spoon. The fuck?
Then I had half a quesadilla, a banana with Nutella, milk... I think that's it.
It wasn't a full-on Bulimic binge, because my daily totals I think are like 2000, estimating. Maybe 2500. But quantity-wise it wasn't that much food. I'm still kinda hungry, actually.
I'll fast tomorrow to try and counteract it. I've been slowly coming to terms with the idea that I may have Bulimia more than Anorexia now. I mean, I don't purge anymore because I hate it and it's uncomfortable and I always end up super puffy and I get these awful broken blood vessels all around my eyes. But, like, I'll binge, and then I'll restrict/fast and exercise til I drop, and then binge again. I think I just need to find the calorie mark that I can maintain and not want to binge. It used to be 700, but then I guess I always averaged more of 400.. Maybe that's why I'm binging.
Ugh, this whole ED thing is driving me nuts. I read blogs of veteran Anorectics who eat like 1000 cals a day, and I'm just over here like.. Dude, I'd die if I had 1000 cals. Like really. 30 cals seems like a crapload to me.
Maybe my view's just really really distorted. idk.
I can't wait to graduate and move out. I think this'll be easier when I'm in college, because the only time I'll have to worry about binging is at mealtimes.. And I think I can stave that off, because they're at set times and I can't stand having people watch me eat. I've decided that when I grow up and have my own place, I'm only going to have healthy foods there, like fruits, veggies, some brown rice, fish, etc. No chips or cookie dough or, god forbid, Nutella..
Anywhoo. Rant is over. I'm planning on fasting for at least tomorrow, and then for as long as I can. I still have to have solid foods to take my meds. I think that'll just be an apple that lasts me through the day. Like, half in the morning, half at night. blahblah.
Hrmmm. Still not sure what to do about the ex boy.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Anyways. I'm tired and I haven't touched my homework because I've been too busy freaking out about my binge.
Okay kiddies. G'night.
> Sparks <